My friend Dinah posted this quote on her Facebook, and I’ve been haunted by it ever since. I was mentally and emotionally abused by my older brother since I was a young child. I have not had communication with him in over a decade and half at least and only to drop off a check for him at Barnes and Nobles from my parent for him.
Mental illness is no joke. When you have it in your family, it destroys you from the inside, while you are young and innocent and haven’t even formed a sense of who you are yet. It’s like being rotten and feeling rotten, and then you are carving your way out of it to find and redeem your purity, your health, and what’s worth loving about yourself. No abuser loves themselves. They will make you suffer because of their own self hate, and then they will blame you for existing while they ignore and invalidate your existence.
I’m still scared of him. I still worry he will be in the same geographic area. He has shown zero interest in me and but conversely when he had become a cutter he splattered darkness all of the internet and complained about me to “his people.” I am posting this because of the quote. I am breaking free. I am breaking 💯 free and I don’t even know how I’m going to do it. But, I will continue to not only be a survivor but a thriver.
I will not live in fear of him. He no longer has ANY power over me!!!!!
Fiesta Estrellas 
Thanks for the courage to share your story Ka. I’m sorry that you experienced abuse by your own brother and have been so impacted by the effects. May you let go, forgive what you can, release the rest, and move on with your life and empowerment. Big hugs to you and yours. 💕
Having gentle and considerate friends in my life helps me feel that brotherly love and heals the wounds and helps so much. Yes this was a very vulnerable post. I think it was just time to heal some more and forgive some more. I have forgiven what I can, and I keep trying to release the rest. This blog post is part of my continued effort. 💗💗💗 Grateful for our hugs! Thank you so much!
Kudos Ka. It seems you have made great progress. I’m glad you have a good support group too. 💕
Thank you, Brad! I’m gonna keep “writing to freedom” as your blog is so brilliantly named, btw. And, yes, I am beyond grateful for the support 💗
Congratulations! Let the healing begin! I’m happy for you, my friend. When we own our stories, we can own our complete and total healing! Owning our past means (for me) releasing victim mentality.
Congratulations!!
Huge hugs💜
Interestingly I never wanted to express this because I thought I had already overcome victim mentality. But a new trigger arose that I’m not going to go into here, because others have sort of sprung it on me. So, it’s a journey, for sure. That energy I no longer have space for in my life. I have already done this a few times over, but this is another level, not a surprise in that sense—
Thank you for sharing your own stories. We need collective courage and trying to it as tenderly as possible.
Oh I completely understand. I’ve come to believe that healing is a spiral. As we heal, we circle back to the things we thought were done and realize that, like an onion, there’s another layer waiting to be healed too. I just went through this 3 weeks ago. Something from childhood reared up completely unexpectedly. It was an episode of deep humiliation. I was shocked at the charge it still held. I thought it was safely in the “done” category. It reminded me that obviously there were much deeper layers that needed my attention….so I gave it my love and attention again….until the next time 🥰
💜🙏💜
Well done dear lady, he was, as you said, spreading his fear over you. Let him go, you have found your love, that self love. A greater thing you cannot find. What he now does is up to him. He may even get angry because you are free…and he isn’t, still kept bound by his own thoughts. Our journey is to find us and in expressing your heart as you have, no greater love can you give than standing in your truth. Take a bow, a courageous step and a very loving one ❤️🙏🏽
Dear Mark,
There is nothing in this world that can give us self love. I believe it comes when we reach inside for grace and I thank you so much for your words and thoughts herein. Expressing my heart and my truth is courageous, becoming more courageous as I discover these steps, by listening and receiving the messages as I work to remove anything that stands in the way of love. 🙌🏻💗💓🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
Then your heart is traveling as it should dear lady. My term ‘self love’ is from those fears we take on board from those we love and look up to as children, which makes us doubt ourselves. And hence in doubt we block our belief in ourselves, that ability to allow that unconditional love in. We bind it by our fears. Our journey is to see through those fears so we can open to that love. I call it self love because in the act of blocking we are not allowing it to come to us, we are not loving ourselves by that act, we think of ourselves not worthy of it. We are being given a chance to find us within this journey and understand that love, but this cannot be done without first seeing us in that denial. Its like we cannot truly appreciate happiness unless we experience sadness too. It gives a whole new appreciation to out experiences, and on through all of our emotions. And yes, Gods Grace abounds, it is what unconditional love is as it interacts with all that we do 😀❤️🙏🏽
People can be cruel in many different ways whether they know it or not. Sometimes it’s intentional, however, and even planned. When it’s your brother (or sister) it can be more
painful because you can’t understand why? It’s easy to become emotional
over the matter. It hurts your heart.
The situation is like trying to understand the reasons behind war. How very horrible yet it happens. Why must it be so?
Why do we have thunderstorms. To clear the air, make it fresh, provide water for the Earth.
Ka, freshen your heart, clear your mind, forgive yourself
and all those who caused you suffering. love, hugs, Eddie
It takes tremendous strength and courage to share vulnerably and here you are doing it. Healing is an ongoing journey of rich layers, but the empowerment you demonstrate in owning your own process is an inspiration for many. Thank you for sharing. Lots of love and warm big hugs to you Ka. Saying, “no more” feels to be a collective theme we are navigating on different fronts.
Thank you so much, Tania, for recognizing me in my attempt to grow in my courage and strength. I am doing it. It’s not necessarily comfortable, but I want to shed the light and break free. 🙏🏼
Yes I agree with the collective front needing to get clear and define boundaries and learning to say what energies we are and are not available for. Thank you for your hug 🤗💗 So much love to you!
Thank you for sharing this with us! It’s time. Everything happening in your life – all the goodness and love – have made you strong and ready for this healing. Peace and blessings to you, dear Ka.
Thank you, JoAnna 💗
I love that gorgeous photo your daughter took of the baby cypress!
You are welcome. ❤ I'm glad you enjoyed Ayla's cypress.
🌳💗
Ka….you are FREE!!!
This hits way, way too close for comfort. When I say that I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND…know that it is true! The following words:
“No abuser loves themselves. They will make you suffer because of their own self hate, and then they will blame you for existing while they ignore and invalidate your existence.”
speak such truth! I pray for all who are so unhappy with themselves that they must try to destroy those who are not!
<3<3
Your sister in love and light
Yes, Lorrie, I am very much focused on Freedom. I’ve been working closely with a forgiveness group. There are always many layers to uncover. I did this work long ago, but it wasn’t enough. A new event happened that tore me up about it. Made it feel really recent, and the relationship had died a long time ago, so there is also tremendous grief that I have to be gentle around. It’s sad that the self-hate spreads, especially in youth, when there are no defenses, nor boundaries, nor understanding about what a healthy and wholesome relationship would be like until you are older. I also pray for those who are unhappy with themselves: May they come to find their way, and not destroy the innocent: whether on purpose or not, I cannot condone it. ❤ Thank you, Sister!!
We are speaking the same language, Ka! I understand and I have very similar feelings. It is not okay for those in pain to hurt others…but my experience is that hurt people…hurt people…and that is sad.
It can be really hard when you think you have put something to bed and then it rears its ugly head and makes a leap right back into your life…I know about that too. And I know how tempting it is to think that maybe this time will be different…and to feel guilty if you don’t give it a chance. But I also know that leopards very rarely change their spots and once you have broken free from a toxic situation, it is probably never a good idea to go back.
I am sending all kinds of love and hugs and light your way. I can only imagine what you have gone through…but I also know it makes you stronger!!!
Much love, friend ❤