My friend Dinah posted this quote on her Facebook, and I’ve been haunted by it ever since. I was mentally and emotionally abused by my older brother since I was a young child. I have not had communication with him in over a decade and half at least and only to drop off a check for him at Barnes and Nobles from my parent for him.
Mental illness is no joke. When you have it in your family, it destroys you from the inside, while you are young and innocent and haven’t even formed a sense of who you are yet. It’s like being rotten and feeling rotten, and then you are carving your way out of it to find and redeem your purity, your health, and what’s worth loving about yourself. No abuser loves themselves. They will make you suffer because of their own self hate, and then they will blame you for existing while they ignore and invalidate your existence.
I’m still scared of him. I still worry he will be in the same geographic area. He has shown zero interest in me and but conversely when he had become a cutter he splattered darkness all of the internet and complained about me to “his people.” I am posting this because of the quote. I am breaking free. I am breaking 💯 free and I don’t even know how I’m going to do it. But, I will continue to not only be a survivor but a thriver.
I will not live in fear of him. He no longer has ANY power over me!!!!!
My Blog is 11 years old, from March 2011. It didn’t get its celebration in 2020. Between 2020 (pandemic) which I was not depressed, and 2021, when I was depressed–there was no celebration. Since it’s my birthday on Sunday and this blog is named after the idea of celebrating, (“Fiestaestrellas” is my made-up word which means: celebration of life, time and everything), I’m gonna call it a re-birthday today. It’s also an homage to the stars. The stars do not rule us–but they make an excellent tapestry or “green screen” for all our events and grand plans. The stars follow us.
Astrology is the work of story-tellers. We need to tell the best stories that inspire that reclaim the meaning of our lives and that help us have hope for the future. I believe this is the purpose of astrology. I have really not focused on it for a long time. One of the main reasons is that I lost my voice for it. The second reason was that I was very distracted with deep and intense study in other fields of endeavors that I put all my focus there, instead. In the meantime, I occasionally and randomly blog here about all sorts of different things. Many of those things are more personal in nature. I blogged about my own healing journey through pain. I blogged about my milestones, and I blogged about my spirituality at times. There are times my writing was about writing itself, or about meditation and maintaining spiritual practices and developing discipline. Lately, I’ve been more interested in cultivating passion and commitment. I’ve blogged a number of poems and published a poetry book in 2017, and posted about it here, too. Also I have sometimes included my art from my past, and thoughts on art, while I contemplate how I will feature art in my future again. I love music and have not added enough songs to my posts. In the future, I want to spend more time on the ‘craft’ of my writing, my art, and return to my photography and also, astrology: the language and programming of light from the stars and how it relates to how we define meaning, consciousness, and togetherness.
HAPPY RE-BIRTHDAY, FIESTA ESTRELLAS!
You all make Fiesta Estrellas “a thing” and she and it will grow beyond me–as I’d love to expand into the horizons beyond, for the good of all of us.
Was she an emblyna francisca or euryopis californica? It’s tough to tell. She was so small. She scrambled when I opened the window to vent my frankincense incense burner’s intensity as I clear my magical space. I have visions now of the little amber looking spider friend who rolled into a shoulder roll martial arts ball as I touched her gently to nudge her onto my white KN95 mask for transportation outside. It was a successful strategic move. She’s clearly outside now.
The gophers had come! The gophers relate to the strong feminine energy of the Mother Earth. They symbolize fertility and working deep with the soil. Gophers love to nibble on roots and destroy gardens. They’d be cute if they weren’t such a pest. There are limitless resources out there about smells gophers don’t like. I have tested these hypotheses and the gophers are not too dissuaded. Garlic and Gardenia don’t work, moth balls do not deter. Gophers are resilient and smart. They have each other, but it only takes one gopher to ‘somehow’ make many more. I’m not saying that they are asexual, but they sure are clever and fast when they want to be.
The gophers show us how to build and network. Their tunnels can be elaborate; they work unseen. I’ve been thinking about the networks in my life that are unseen. The ways that I’m tied to others and to my neighborhood and community. Animals are messengers and help us to reflect on the wisdom they provide if you are looking, responding and receiving those messages.
Today I found a dead mud dauber wasp in my office. I know this is symbol of ” productivity, courage, fertility, taking control, and new beginnings.”1 It’s likely a sign of newer energy for my office and for the people who I work with professionally. Here is a picture of what the mud dauber looks like. What’s most impressive about it is its tiny little stringed waist. They are mostly harmless, and like to eat black widows, which we also do have here geographically. Mud daubers are very industrious.
Their homes look like little marvelous clay patterned circle clusters. They feel energetically gentle in nature in comparison to their other wasp cousins. They fly rather slowly. I have enjoyed learning about the mud dauber from several weeks ago when one tried to set up shop in our peephole box. Our house is very old and it has an antique box–no wonder the dauber was attracted to the shiny brass container.
It looks like this:
It’s apparently Victorian– elegant and beautiful, ornate. That particular mud dauber was unsuccessful in building a nest in our peephole box.
There’s another metaphor at work here. I just completed a 3 day intensive (all day) cadaver dissection lab. I will complete my doctorate in acupuncture in December. I have done continuing education credits even before I completed my Masters and was licensed. However, this past weekend, in more ways than one, I was connecting with an ancient practice, sitting on the shoulders of the greats as I walked the path that these others have walked. As I endured the challenges of such work with focus and attention and, most importantly, ethics and respect. I am not an anatomist, but I do follow some of them. The picture below connects to Andreas Vesalius who created many anatomy books. For more information about his work see here: https://www.cam.ac.uk/research/features/andreas-vesalius-1514-1564-and-the-books-that-made-the-father-of-anatomy
From Science to Art and then Back again
The poetry of my life is in my daily experiences. Right now, it is in the form of mud. My poetry is filled with the CLAY of life, but it is still in my heart and not in the written word. Writing feels forced right now, but that doesn’t bother me. I’m doing it anyways. So, it’s not all flow-y but it’s here. I’ll take it!
Although I do practice an ancient medicine. It is very much alive and living. It’s constantly being de-codified and better understood by the leaders and influencers in my field. And as my 42 birthday approaches this weekend, it occurs to me: I’m so glad that I was not born during a medieval time. Even better, I am so glad that I did not GIVE BIRTH in such a medieval time. What’s even better, is that I get to recover some lost knowledge and salvage the scrap-aways and “scraps” of medical history. There I find brass and gold and so many useful things! (more metaphors).
By reclaiming the lost arts and sciences we are better understanding our current era’s medicine and framework. The goal is to work outside of the industry of pharmaceutical society, but also with it. We have to work with what is already here. There are so many possibilities when true health and healing is the endeavor–when enlightenment is the “goal.” I value all the wisdom that came before me. As I skim my 40s, still at the first level, I know my own life is industrious and still filled with fertility, creativity, art and science. I know that I am living the life of my dreams, made of clay, and building with my hands in the clay. The fruits of the labor are still years away, but I can taste many of them now. Birthdays are often about reflection. But they don’t have to be. This one will mostly just be about enjoyment, and as my 3 year old exclaims “What the heck?” She learned it from her friend at preschool with her Brooklyn accent (that’s how I know, plus she said so). “What the heck” is my mantra for “whatever arises.”
Happy Birthday to me in the modern era, as a modern woman with a growing list of skills, interests, and talents. Happy Birthday to me as a mother and a wife and a simple doctor. None of what I wrote here is to be construed as medical advice. I don’t use my name on my blog. This blog is only for entertainment purposes. Am I entertaining you yet?