Stillness in Freedom

A moment’s peacefulness can make up for many weeks’ strife. Never forget the power of a few moments of freedom.

Thanking God and Goddess for all the love that is everywhere, ready to receive all the trials, tears, and traumas of our planet. Dragonflies and butterflies are about, the wind is in the leaves 🍃 rocking the dry ones off the branch.

A day or two without pain is welcomed. The pain will probably return, but this moment is to be rejoiced! A sigh of relief. The road through life is hopefully long, and likely convoluted. There’s a moment to behold when our prayers are answered, for however long in freedom, we can embrace.

Painful life reflection

My situation has gotten worse the past few weeks after a short period (2-3 weeks of freedom from pain) but I still managed to pass my last licensing exam even after the pain returns. I did all 5 (in total) so I could be licensed in any state. Sitting for that last board exam, though, that in itself was a miracle.

But at this point, I’m more or less confined to mostly my bed, due to pain. The smallest amount I do causes me to become disabled in pain. It seems I am unable to be picking up my toddler anymore. She’s too young for me to feel okay with this. All the ways forward don’t have the best known results. All the procedures and treatments beyond the conservative ones which I’ve used for the past decade, all have consequences. I spend time in meditation and prayer for the best guidance and to have the best support. I have been a cheerleader for natural and non-pharma medicine but I am greatly disappointed with my outcome with using all medicines (including Western) I can find on the planet, including the one of my own inner guidance. I have surrendered, asked for complete assistance, but I don’t know how long I will be waiting to “find a reason for all this.” On the pain forums I’m on, I truly see many people in purposeless suffering. It’s sad. I’m one of them. I’m suffering. I’ve lost so much of my life to this “my” version of degenerative disc disease with painful herniation/protrusions and painful spinal nerves.

The truth is I feel unsupported, unappreciated and abandoned. I feel isolated and depressed often. I can’t even imagine ever hiking again or being able to take my daughter to the park by myself let alone if I were to be there only briefly with others. It feels like with these back problems I am guaranteed to miss out on enormous aspects of her life; those that would bring special joy.

My daughter needs me now more than ever and so much falls on my husband to do. Our house isn’t getting cleaned or organized as I would do. My life feels so chaotically stolen from me. The bright moments are all shadowed with this looming reality of debility. We have no supports, friends or family nearby. My in-laws just visited briefly. We are all aging. Everyone has some planned surgery. As an older mom, the possibility of these horrific circumstances do exist, and I’m living it. I’ve been fighting for nearly a decade to have the best quality of life for myself and for others and there were times I was winning. I have seen shamans and done so many healing techniques under the sun. I have prayed regularly with silent Unity. But, I’m not—right now—overcoming.

This is suffering. I know very well what it’s like. And, I’m still young.

I’m writing this so I can be less alone, less invisible, less burdened.

My birthday is this Saturday and it will be another quiet one. 41 years old. I will likely be crying as I have for many of my recent days.

Magical pathways and definite signs

Brilliant sun dresses the grass in glistening crystal light, like glass

as each day fades more quickly than the last

with only time scattering, not shattering.

I am alone in the temple of my studying

who has hope in this life that’s quickening?

The messages on the wind are obvious and settling.

Feathers touch my eyes even when I haven’t been eyes wide-open, a blessing.

head to the ground, I see the sky, anyways.

goddess protects me, restores me, intrigues me.

she is my mystery, cloaked in light. Too bright to see the shapes.

she is the laughter that breaks over silly faces

and highlights dreamy face contours full of delight.

I’m walking on the ground that you put down for me, wearing my t-shirt of faith, that one that was an accidental gift posted to me.

Owl, Hawk, you remind me that my roots are going down, right where I am. I am meant to be here.

Butterflies and sun blazing and all…

The heat makes the air rise, and I wonder how much the butterfly has to move to keep from getting scorched by summer sun.

She is beautiful, but she works hard, while others see whimsy.

She wants to know more about the mystery of the wind, but she’s Content to ride, knowing how to glide, and when to flit.

And when to rest.

Build down deeper

and, reach up higher

my days are speckled with contrast

with energy running low

traveling like water

seeking to ground and center

magnetized to the core of earth

down down down I go

into the caverns of the ancient ones

while above the surface I rise

stretching up ⬆️ reaching, reaching

flying with the owl in the night

wings shielding from the elements

my spirit soars and I long to be joined

with all that is in my soul and beyond

healings given by me make me feel

my purpose is alive and well

and all these dim switches in my awareness

are meant to be situated perfectly

just for me to flick on with strong yesses

I give way to this meaning,

I accept this purpose, with gratitude 🙏🏽

Mahalo, I am love, and I love you. We are one.

offering myself

exploring inertia

while watching myself take pause

maybe just another hour longer

to reduce this feeling

maybe the motivation i’ve pushed for years long now

will eventually grow its own legs, but it still needs pressing…

forward

getting praise for being happy is silly

when the joy fades,

I’m sitting in silence, taking the world in, and it’s sharp

Do you know what people are going through?

where is the talent to express these hard things?

where is the wisdom in my soul to trust THIS expression?

I am not made of roses.

but I do have thorns, little prickly places I don’t want to be touched.

I want to go into THIS challenge

I want to meet THIS darkness.

It is okay.

Guiding back the love into myself,

I trust this space, this time, this darkness.

I can be “outside” in it.

You don’t need to reassure me to hide away to do self care.

This IS self care.

My art is not about explaining myself.

I paint myself in black, and walk into the darkness,

because I want to blend in.

Shining is not for me.

I want to be different, black

but we are all in this together… so I am not alone

and you are different, too. We all are.

**I don’t want to be in the practice of explaining my poems. But, each piece I share is very real for me. Walking into the territory of discomfort is sometimes unexpected, but it happens. We live through our sadness, and pain. Joys can speckle the days with highlights. It’s just something we get used to, trying to live a life of meaning. This is how to put one foot in front of the other. The work we create need not be brilliant or good, and it doesn’t matter how much attention it gets. We all think we ought to find our sparkle and “stay there.” But that is not growth. Growth is in the trenches. It’s in recognizing our inertia. Today I have had a heck of a time with procrastination. And, I’m still there. And, that is okay.

How to Beat Back Fear — Reblog from Dare Boldy

Grow Wild – mixed media on canvas, 12 x 12″ Every time I sit at my studio table, stare at a blank canvas or page in an art journal, I feel the dark, …

How to Beat Back Fear

I have been an admirer of this blog for a while now. Louise has a very no nonsense clarity with the depth of imagination and reflection that really penetrates into the human and feminine condition. I’m at a loss for words to describe how her prolific blog posts are sources of inspiration.

Blogging is one of the best activities I ever decided to do. Meeting other talented writers, artists and authors has been enriching and enlightening.

We are so very connected, all of us.

Thank you to so many of you who have been readers and participants in my life journey through my blog. I’ve been taking a time out right now because it feels right. Too much going on behind the scenes to really put any new writing or musings forward.

My wishes are for you all to be well and thriving. Life is so dynamic and quick. One moment things are one way and the next we have a whole new set of circumstances. I’m learning to find faith in the chaos. I’m learning to dial into my present moment with the some true grace and acceptance, even if for a moment…

I rest in gratitude for all we have here, and all we will walk through. Keep your heads up! You are amazing and marvelous and I am so grateful for you all!

Thank you so much for being here with me!! 💖

Pain drives us

Sometimes pain drives us to hide

from experiences that present possibilities for more pain

And other times, it helps steel our will

Stake a claim on creating a new vessel to

Live in.

Like a hermit crab, maybe it’s time to climb into a

New shell

Maybe forge one from fire;

My shell is changing

My flesh has reduced and my muscles are rising

Some of this is the consequence of sadness or

feelings of worry and despair, combined with work and determination after long pauses

I plan on making feelings of worry, fear, and despair my allies.

Even if empathic, they can be useful.

It occurred to me today that I don’t need to be useful to the world.

But that I would stake my claim of my place in this world by virtue of the fact that I AM living.

I will let pain drive me to new discoveries,

Relationships, and acceptance.

I will allow this transformation.

Growth dreams

Resiliency powerhouse

Soft lover

Open channel

Guided, Effective, Capable

Living off the fuel of my challenges

Facing the fears and being gentle with myself

Loving compassion

Showing up!

Clearing the illusions

Being present

Sharp focus

Strength & opportunity

Seeing the wisdom in the wounds

Building paths and making possibilities

Transcending my perceived limits

And working it, never giving up.

*I’m picturing myself sailing on a ship, being deeply in tune with the ocean, and yielding to the power of the storm while the storm inside me grows to match the might of that storm outside of me. I am ready to build this new way of being in the world. I am ready to see the new ways forward. I am ready to be gentle and yielding in the truth of how mighty we all are. 💖 We can overcome our difficulties. I want to be on that path! I am on that path! I will keep going. Growth dreams, to become more than I am now, I am ready.

Cheers to this full moon 🌕

Feeling authentically with chronic pain

In the beginning of the year I wrote a blog post titled the beginning of healing. In a personal sense, this was more prophetic than I knew. I sensed a deep river running through me ready to perhaps “cleanse me” and wash over me on a more subterranean level. Yet I’m not ready to define “what this is” on that deeper level, spiritual level. Maybe I sensed that quite a bit had been stirred up inside of me during the insanity of the pandemic and politics and thus readying me for more healing and feeling. Maybe I had just been through so much just having a baby and transforming into a mother.

Three months after having her, I completed most of my National Board exams before graduating.

I then finished my Master’s Program by December and the remaining National Board exam, but now have been stopped short of my goal to get licensed in my own state because of the need to sit for a 5 hour exam when I cannot due to pain and further causing injury to my spine. I put so much effort into my program and made much progress with my own health (so it seemed) only to be stopped short for a time. I can eventually take my state’s board exam, maybe, if I get well enough to. Sure I could move to a different state but we have other roots here as a family, and so I feel attached. Better to stick with the career roots my husband has built. Also, it’s home to my alma mater and I’d prefer to stay close by hoping for more opportunities that way. But not if I’m not well!!

I can barely take care of my family, and it being “just us” and literally no one else living in the same state, there’s no one to really turn to for a helping hand. We need to hire help.

Plus, my health has been the worst money pit.

Friends, I’m still in the thick of it, having some better days mixed with suffering days. However what seems to be emerging is this sense of connectedness with my closest friends, who still happen to live far. I don’t feel as lonely as I did a month or two ago, at least, not today.

I also really want to be in touch with people who have had or are experiencing chronic pain, and making the best of it. I absolutely know I am not alone. The whole reason I am walking my path is because I am authentically me. I am free to be myself, and learning every day how to show up for myself and love and bring healing to all the aspects of my consciousness. Some part of me does trust that this is a process unfolding within me, that I will get past it, and my life will move on! But for now, I’m in a really challenging & painful holding pattern.

Authentically yours,

Ka

Stabilizing

a pillar has rolled back into place.
consciousness is as steady as a beam.

The gaze is calm while looking at the rust, bright lights and dark spots fuse transforming angles of industry into cloth and folds into thin sheets.

i hear a whisper from her heart
her lips are pressed against my chest. i feel warm knowing she is one with me again. She’s curled up inside of me, ready to face what’s next.

i turn to her and thank her for her patience, for enduring what this path and journey really means: commitment.

I’ve never seen her grow like this before, joining in with faith. She clutches onto nothing. She’s honest to the brim. Shes ready for what’s next. So I lead her back inside.

The clouds have broken

The clouds have broken

And you were in my dreams

Courting me with dark wine and

Deep ocean waves, foaming

Sand everywhere—

Your music was soft and enchanting,

Filling my ears with swirls and rhythms

I even discovered I had a dress for the evening

to dance with you under the fading pale sun

Now I am wondering why the violent lightning

Gives way to such a soft sunset.

And, who could forget the hard rain?

5 min or less sketch

I erased once. You can see that.

My drawing skills are nowhere near what they used to be, or potentially where they could have been if I would have progressed with this same skill level as a teen.

But I am 1000% less judgmental about what I create. This gives me pleasure.

I don’t have the time to dive in like I long to, but sketching a little bit here and there is a very welcome slow return to what used to feel more like “who I am.”

Who I am is not me.

It’s a process; it’s looking and feeling, and living. It’s simple. What activity most feels like you? Is it writing? Maybe it could even be walking? Walking would be my second most thing-I-do that feels like me (and exploring) but I have had to forgo that for now. I’m still finding ways to enjoy the day.

speak.

When I woke my voice was brittle—

The words came out,

but were easily broken.

I then sifted through the debris and emptied the sand from my hands, made up of

messages that, when undelivered,

had turned to dust.

With my warm dry hands I gently held my

throat and let my hands speak “you may not know how to voice

but I give you time. I give you space.

Your voice matters. Never give up. Let anyone try to silence you, but you will never again do it to yourself.”

*is anyone else having trouble with the editor? I did a copy and paste of my poem and the formatting would not fill one solid block. I’m not being too picky about format right now, because it’s not convenient to be. It expresses enough on its own.

My tears are touching everything but what I need

My tears touch my cheeks

But cannot spread into my heart

Cannot touch this wound and offer it

Still there’s flowing from both heart and from tears

The path forward seems dusted over

Every prayer keeps me in it for the day

But each day I’m missing out on where my

Heart wants to be engaged, in full capacity.

Moments ease and bring hope.

But, the same thorn in my back remains

My patience has been by my side for 9 years

But the dysfunction cannot be ignored.

I am tethered to it.

Only well enough for so long or so far

The variable “x” has been my one constant.

I want to run and sweat with all the energy I have built for transformation

But I am stuck sliding back in my circled walls so slick I cannot climb

Bone deep is misaligned

No muscle release nor stretch will remove the thorn, no deep breath, no daily meditation, no daily Qi gong wills it away.

Where I want to spread hope, I’m left wanting.

My tears arriving to keep me company and hear me lose my patience.

Enough!