while watching myself take pause
maybe just another hour longer
to reduce this feeling
maybe the motivation i’ve pushed for years long now
will eventually grow its own legs, but it still needs pressing…
getting praise for being happy is silly
when the joy fades,
I’m sitting in silence, taking the world in, and it’s sharp
Do you know what people are going through?
where is the talent to express these hard things?
where is the wisdom in my soul to trust THIS expression?
I am not made of roses.
but I do have thorns, little prickly places I don’t want to be touched.
I want to go into THIS challenge
I want to meet THIS darkness.
It is okay.
Guiding back the love into myself,
I trust this space, this time, this darkness.
I can be “outside” in it.
You don’t need to reassure me to hide away to do self care.
This IS self care.
My art is not about explaining myself.
I paint myself in black, and walk into the darkness,
because I want to blend in.
Shining is not for me.
I want to be different, black
but we are all in this together… so I am not alone
and you are different, too. We all are.
**I don’t want to be in the practice of explaining my poems. But, each piece I share is very real for me. Walking into the territory of discomfort is sometimes unexpected, but it happens. We live through our sadness, and pain. Joys can speckle the days with highlights. It’s just something we get used to, trying to live a life of meaning. This is how to put one foot in front of the other. The work we create need not be brilliant or good, and it doesn’t matter how much attention it gets. We all think we ought to find our sparkle and “stay there.” But that is not growth. Growth is in the trenches. It’s in recognizing our inertia. Today I have had a heck of a time with procrastination. And, I’m still there. And, that is okay.