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There’s such a challenge to be magnificent in life, especially these days. Just to get up. Just to step out.
Yesterday I got 100%s on my two comprehensive tests, both written and practical. They were called that, even though they weren’t the comprehensive, comprehensive tests (and one day: Boards). Lessons in misnomers: they abound.
I don’t always get perfect grades. It’s not that big of a deal – at least to me. I am graded endlessly. (which means I am tested endlessly – and who is prepared/present 100% of the time?)
*breathe, Ka* The reality is that no one is.
But there are people… who…
At Gangaji’s retreat she said, “We meditate, because, no one is good at it! It keeps us humble.”
I mean, it is important to me to score well, because I do work really hard (and smart!), every day, so it’s important to me to have something to show for it, but when I work really hard and still have nothing to show for it (until maybe one day in the future) it’s important for me to love myself even more (Thanks Matt Kahn!) for giving my heart to my work, to my every day, for just being, and for doing it, for awhile! By the way, I am good at being. I really am. I am. I am. (there’s my plug.)
It’s the touch that I’m after, though: “the touch” on many occasions, I’ve been told that I have, but not all the time, 24/7. There is no guarantee with these things, there’s no 100% in real life. Of course the goal isn’t to be in the spotlight. The spotlight has always felt uncomfortable. The goal is to be really effective. The goal is become more effective at being effective, over time.
Different things matter to different people. We score in different ways.
One day I was gifted (after a particularly challenging test because I was too exhausted to prepare properly) with a sweet croissant (I’m not gluten free at the moment but I still support gluten free options). Anyways, this wasn’t GF, but it was delicious! and my body is ok with gluten, and my body did devour said croissant.
My friend said it was because of something I did or said. I don’t expect this. This is not why i do anything! ever.
People who know me, know. i do not just do things out of obligation. my heart has the arms and legs and the voice. my brain is there. it hangs out with my heart. they share notes in their own ways.but obligation does not make me doeth.
I’m a little bit tired of being in graduate school, and I have years to go, so grades have literally made themselves irrelevant (thank you program!). Our TA’s are always like “no one is going to ask you what you got in such-and-such class, and on that one in a million test.” Maybe so. but some people do like to compete. I try to stay away from them. I know they are cool, too. They are super focused. I admire that focus, and determination. I know they want to be a better version of themselves – and they are pre-occupied with that. I have something to learn from them.
But different things are valued by different people. Different magnificences, if you will.
I know that when a fellow student (or myself on a bad day) gets a bad score, I don’t believe they are ineffective, and especially do not believe that they are unsuccessful or less magnificent. I believe that they were having a “a day, or a moment.” Honestly I don’t care what their grades are, or even if their hands are cold (because body-work! is always happening in cold rooms) I care that they are trying their best, and loving themselves (because that translates over to us all).
When I see my classmates show up, I feel inspired. It’s just like that. We have already all graduated. That’s already done. Now, it’s different, now it’s about that ‘inside work,’ and that’s the priority. If we are “caught being cool or magnificent and seen doing something” on the outside, in the world, that’s a particular bonus. Though we need our little nest to nurture ourselves, and maybe it’s a small nest, focused.
We all show up in different ways. That is magnificent. I am Magnificent.
My classroom patient had some neat experiences after she left my treatment table. I don’t take credit for them. She should [my patient]. Plus, my supervisor’s diagnosis was fascinating. My supervisors are Magnificent. We did spirit work. It was a good learning experience.
I am magnificent.
Eventually, one day, AGAIN, I will be paid in money for my learning experiences. I just want to really honor that process, because right now, I am rewarded in many different ways. I am the money. I am magnificent. I do wake up. I do show up. I do love myself. I am here to be “whatever i am.” It is golden. I have a cup of source, and it belongs to the ocean, so it is endless, and we each have it.
What’s more magnificent than the usual, everyday, though…? I don’t know. Now when I say “here we are” to my classmates, it makes me giggle. It’s like the same place that we have always been, but it’s brighter, shinier. It just is. because it is. My friend adds, “and there we were.”
And we share this paradise of struggle and overcoming. Someone remembers how we started out…and how far we’ve come.
There’s more ease. It gets easier; and that is magnificent, too.
*Thank you to Linda Litebeing at Litebeing Chronicles for hosting this challenge.She’s offering a free astrology reading so that’s awesome, right?! Go check her out.
This card came up in a reading for myself recently. It’s from MY favorite deck: Tarot of Spirit, by Pamela Eakins, PH.D. This deck has been working for me since 1998, and moved everywhere with me over time. Let’s give it an applause! I know I am in awe. This was the deck that inspired me to make my own, which I never did (at least yet!). To my credit, I was busy with school (undergrad). Sometimes in life we sacrifice for a better future (just like my ancestors did), and eventually, we do, we do arrive – and then, we keep arriving!
Meditation from Tarot of Spirit:
The Fire Father in Earth
builds lasting gardens
that produce and produce
the Earth Father
through Cycling Time
Fire and Sea and Sky
Sons and Daughters
of Cycling Time:
tilling vast lands
and Time will tell
as intellects rise and shine and die,
fires rage, lovers sigh
Time will tell
the Earth Father
helps them all
through their Dark Age
he knows them well
he himself was ill —
before he came to Man’s Estate.