Not a Computer Programmer; not a poem

There was a point along the timeline, almost 10 years ago now, when I realized that I might have it in me – the interest – to become a computer programmer. I also had enough intelligence to create a small calculator using java, the language – not the script. I got an A in my Master’s level intro class in programming (I was considering a Network Architecture degree), while I was also a full-time at a call-center for a top-of-the-line cellular phone company. I would fix problems for agents who were our sales force in the stores. I had access to the switch; and I was asked on several occasions to do special projects with user-testing for huge, new software interface roll-outs. This bothered me because I liked being “closer to the machine.” Machine language is simple. Though I did not use machine language, nor firmware. I did use software that was a bit closer to the database, requiring the most basic commands. It seems like software just keeps getting built outward, towards the user, with more tools, more “accessibility.” We all adapt to constant changes and improvements, because it’s supposedly adapting to us. This bothered me. This tempted me to start to feel like I want to build, in my own life, in the opposite direction. I wanted to start taking down the scaffolding – find out the basic functions of my world, my heart, my spirit, my roots.

I should mention here, that I am not technically inclined on a regular day, nor off the cuff. When I get stressed out, I don’t see things that are right in front of my face. I don’t always remember the obvious, especially if its my own “problem”: “Did you toggle the power? and power cycle.” I do have a decent track record with making sure that devices are plugged in. That said, I would not go to myself for help with a technical problem.

Anyways, the point is, I didn’t know I could hack it. (Pun. Intended.)

I never considered myself a Geek or a Nerd – in the proud way that people often say it today. I was always trying to earn respect from myself. I was always internally bumbling ~ never felt comfortable with the idea that I might be intelligent, or capable. Supposingly (my made-up word for now), I was concerned with what were the consequences of that. Does anyone care about the consequences of mind and matter? Programmers are concerned with function. They have ways of compiling data; and they have ways of testing usability. I am not a programmer. By the way, I am not a philosopher, either.

I am not interested in what I am, or what defines me. I hope you aren’t either, because I don’t think that’s the best thing about knowing me – although I couldn’t tell you what is – maybe never ‘really’ knowing me?

Here’s why I started writing today in the first place, for a quasi poem:

In programming language there is an
“if, then” statement. It’s how we help the
computer, “make decisions.”

For now, I have learned to live without the function of
the “if, then” statement. I go by “Do, while.” I realize that
“Do, while,” is dangerous code, because it is a continuous loop.

“If, then” logic is brilliant. But the Taoism
from my teenage years, That Lao Tzu I read,
influenced me and wrote some code for me:
“The code that is written
is not the code.”

“Whistle while I work” fits in better than, [Do, While]
“If I succeed at A, then B will be possible.” [If, Then]

I like that, really,
just telling you how it actually is
now: “Do, while.”

((“Whistling, while I work”) meanwhile writing happens”) Here’s my “real” style.

What are you Doing, while?

Meanwhile, I’ve got dishes…herbs…boring stuff that makes me whistle, and a long day ahead of me.

The Play of Existence

“It’s tricking you, because at the moment, you are trickable, you have an investment in voice of the mind.”

Let the mind be… mind no mind to the mind… Hahahaha.
❤ Happy Lunar Eclipse folks. Gotta love astrology, and the transcending of it.

Fiesta Estrellas

This video is about the importance of embodying knowledge and practice, in particular, the practice of Vipassana. How does Mooji manage to explain this through the story of a vampire movie? He speaks of scent – the ways we can detect what is true, or resonant with what is being said with the ‘mind.’

I think he’s actually talking about Fright Night here, a movie which had me clawing at my face in fright as a child, and recently had me laughing out loud as adult. I have so much empathy for her. “It is not to blame, it is something that is the play of existence,” says Mooji.  ❤  “The buddha is in you, but you are keeping it in the closet.” ❤

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Desert Opening

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driving to the desert
we passed through clouds
sitting in valleys.

the fog was sometimes all around,
and sometimes beneath.

at times around bends,
the fog would dress over the lake
like a puffy white
shawl covering the shoulders
of a morning’s sunrise landscape.

frost glittered the land
from last night’s sky quaff,
while today some cows dot the hills
with their little calfs, eating and drinking
from one rumination.

hills meander, continuous and unbroken,
green and recent is
Spring’s beginning.


pink clouds


What is in a pause
but a whisper for
pausing’s sake
another moment to breathe?

Art is artless by itself, no?

It needing language, culture
for its couch.

Let us sit awhile,
Can we do that?

I’d ask you
not to move while the needles
are in.

Somehow you understand this,
implicitly, and so you are still.

We both breathe deeply now.

Connecting with the Universe and

How much medicine do you need
when your heart is beating in
your chest, and the magical
offering of love is wallpapered so
freely in the puffy clouds above.

The only medicine I truly know,
is continuity.

HAppY BLoGiVersARY TO FE! 5 Modest YEARS

“Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes.” – Unknown

Dearest Readers, and that’s all of you, THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart.

NGS Picture ID:1369605
A bottlenose dolphin calls. Photograph by Frans Lanting, National Geographic Creative

For the dolphin sounds and the original National Geographic article that accompanies this photograph, Click here.

FE’s Anniversary snuck up on me. I didn’t even realize it. But, *SURPRISE* It’s been 5 years of sharing and caring on Her journey has just begun!

Happy Anniversary from WordPress

FE has existed for 5 years! I am still trying to wrap my mind around that one!