My situation has gotten worse the past few weeks after a short period (2-3 weeks of freedom from pain) but I still managed to pass my last licensing exam even after the pain returns. I did all 5 (in total) so I could be licensed in any state. Sitting for that last board exam, though, that in itself was a miracle.

But at this point, I’m more or less confined to mostly my bed, due to pain. The smallest amount I do causes me to become disabled in pain. It seems I am unable to be picking up my toddler anymore. She’s too young for me to feel okay with this. All the ways forward don’t have the best known results. All the procedures and treatments beyond the conservative ones which I’ve used for the past decade, all have consequences. I spend time in meditation and prayer for the best guidance and to have the best support. I have been a cheerleader for natural and non-pharma medicine but I am greatly disappointed with my outcome with using all medicines (including Western) I can find on the planet, including the one of my own inner guidance. I have surrendered, asked for complete assistance, but I don’t know how long I will be waiting to “find a reason for all this.” On the pain forums I’m on, I truly see many people in purposeless suffering. It’s sad. I’m one of them. I’m suffering. I’ve lost so much of my life to this “my” version of degenerative disc disease with painful herniation/protrusions and painful spinal nerves.

The truth is I feel unsupported, unappreciated and abandoned. I feel isolated and depressed often. I can’t even imagine ever hiking again or being able to take my daughter to the park by myself let alone if I were to be there only briefly with others. It feels like with these back problems I am guaranteed to miss out on enormous aspects of her life; those that would bring special joy.

My daughter needs me now more than ever and so much falls on my husband to do. Our house isn’t getting cleaned or organized as I would do. My life feels so chaotically stolen from me. The bright moments are all shadowed with this looming reality of debility. We have no supports, friends or family nearby. My in-laws just visited briefly. We are all aging. Everyone has some planned surgery. As an older mom, the possibility of these horrific circumstances do exist, and I’m living it. I’ve been fighting for nearly a decade to have the best quality of life for myself and for others and there were times I was winning. I have seen shamans and done so many healing techniques under the sun. I have prayed regularly with silent Unity. But, I’m not—right now—overcoming.

This is suffering. I know very well what it’s like. And, I’m still young.

I’m writing this so I can be less alone, less invisible, less burdened.

My birthday is this Saturday and it will be another quiet one. 41 years old. I will likely be crying as I have for many of my recent days.