Pain in the dark

No one sees this limitation

Living a life in a young body less than

Healthy and able

Than many in their 70s.

How did I get here, for nearly a decade?!

I have not been myself since 2012

My back traded in for a pain factory

with too short episodes of relief.

What I don’t talk about is the hard times

In New Age climes of “you choose this”

I did not.

My suffering is worsened by being unable

to enjoy the delights of the youth that this same body


I will not give up. I will not hide.

This experience is a big part of my life

Until I die.


I created a new tag for chronic pain. I’ve been working really hard to get through it for a very long time now and how debilitating it feels. I’m in the midst of it and the depression and anxiety tries to grip at me. I’ve been fighting that for a long time, too. I wrote this to connect with people who also experience chronic pain and who are often side-lined by their experience. I’d especially like to reach people who have debilitating problems while being a parent of an active and delightful (willful) toddler. I’ve done all things and all the energy work and all the healings with so many care providers dumping so much money into trying to resolve this. I even got myself a Master’s Degree in Chinese medicine, studying Eastern arts, herbs, and other management methods beyond that with tips and tricks that never end. I ask you to kindly (and I will delete) withhold any comments which try to offer fixes for me or make any statements other than supportive ones.

28 thoughts on “Pain in the dark

  1. Hi Ka,
    I am so sorry to learn this issue still plagues you. I recall you talking about your back years ago. I totally get it since I have had fibromyalgia since around 2000 and chronic GI pain off and on since 2015 ( mostly on). The GI pain is much worse than the fibro and I am fortunate the fibro is a milder case. I too have tried so many routes.

    I feel for you. I can send Reiki if you like. I recently completed Reiki 2 ( in part to heal myself). I am now engaged in the ancestral healing route to heal the GI issues, including chronic pain. It has aged me and affected my functioning.

    I am glad you are using this cruel challenge as an opportunity to educate and raise awareness. You already know this but many of us seek to become healers in order to help heal ourselves. I associate strongly with Chiron who is coming to a conjunction with the Sun.

    I hope my message is received the way it is intended. Bottom line, I have empathy for you and truly hope the relief you desire finds you. ❤

    1. When you say I’m using this cruel challenge as an opportunity to educate and raise awareness, you couldn’t be more right. This has been a much longer journey than I would have wanted and I have not achieved what I had hoped for (not yet anyways). But I am deepening into acceptance and yielding to this powerful universe and what is potentially the creator’s plan for me. Yes, Chiron touched everything in my chart. No surprise I’d have some intensity, words, frustration or sadness around my struggles when they are so highlighted by this transit. I also have Saturn transiting directly on my ascendant now.

      Thank you for your kind and gentle response and sharing about you. I am aware of your struggles as well my friend and I continue to send you reiki, light and love 💗 🙌🏻💕

  2. I’m sorry to hear about your chronic pain and health challenges Ka. I trust you to do what is best for you and your family. I remember all the pressure I put on myself to reach certain standards based on spiritual beliefs, books, gurus, etc. It has been a relief to simply accept myself as I am. May you find the love, support, and tools to help you heal and manage your pain. Hugs.

    1. I agree, accepting ourselves as we are is the most important aspect of being comfortable living our lives. It is a relief to get to this place. I just find that it’s a continual process and even cyclical rather than one linear trajectory for me. It’s just been rough lately and also up and down. There’s a lot of ups but the downs can accumulate. I try to focus on the ups, but I was drawn to post this to feel more freed up, more authentic, and to connect potentially with others in a similar way. Thank you, Brad

  3. Ah dear lady, it isn’t a nice journey in any form, but especially with that constant pain it blunts life so horrendously. You have my full empathy due to my current position also. Mind you, no toddler. THAT would be beyond words, not only in it being so restrictive physically but that huge emotional inability to share on so many levels would feel as if life had short changed you.
    So in that way I send you love and hugs that you do find a connection, in whatever way it takes to touch another’s heart from just being you. In fact, may we all find that path…and know that love ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

      1. Only because I know that trench dear lady, It is definitely a life changer…but it asked me to look deeply, really deeply to accept me first…and just give from who I have become because of it ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋
        Oh, and the amazement that I could comment. So many times I have pressed ‘post comment’ and it just disappears into the heavens. But no worries, the energy it sends reaches its destination anyway. Much love and light to you dear lady, may your heart find that peace 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

      2. “…but it asked me to look deeply, really deeply to accept me first…and just give from who I have become because of it ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋”. I know you speak from that place of having been there and your light is fully received with gratitude 🙏🏽

  4. No one understands the hidden disability of chronic pain…. When they see a young vibrant person they have no idea…
    I sympathise and I understand… I cannot tell you dearest Ka.. the solution to the ending of your suffering my friend..
    I only know from my own chronic pain and suffering FMS…. years ago and after many deep dives, past lives, Spiritual Healing Affirmations, acupuncture, Homeopathy medicine, alternative therapies etc…. Qi Gong….. I became so much better….
    It didn’t happen over night…
    What I am saying is do not give up….as hard as it is….

    My affirmation still is today… ALL is well in my World… I am Healed… that I used to say daily from Louise Hays book.. You Can Heal Your Life…

    Sending LOVE and Healing energy to surround you in love my friend…

    Hugs and Blessings Sue ❤

      1. Yes I received a gift which has helped me greatly. I believe my writing ✍️ has also helped me greatly and opened up the flow for that to happen. Each person can find their own solutions and their own course and path. This is path-finding, and it’s a true gift.

      2. So happy for you Ka… Keeping a Journal I have always done… writing is a way of releasing….. and healing…. May your path continue to expand with love, peace and healing balm… ❤

  5. I’ve been there. Well, I’m actually still there but it’s getting easier. If we continue experiencing something, the only reason for that is that we haven’t learned from it yet. The more I learn, the easier it gets.

    1. I’m sorry you’ve been there and are still working at it, too. I read a great quote from my FB friend and author Victoria Erickson, “sometimes things have ZERO meaning and are just AWFUL, and that is fine.” Sure, it can get easier, and then harder again with chronic pain. Some months and years can even be better for a while. I don’t believe everything in life is about a lesson, although we can learn how to manage and make do, and work around it. Good for you, keep going!

  6. Dear Ka, I was absent here and missed this post as I was dealing with my own unwellness. I wrote about it some in my latest post. I totally hear you and understand you. Pain brings so much anxiety and depression with it most often than not, in my experience too. It is certainly not what we would choose but we do have to go through. The only key I have found for my chronic conditions is to slow down as much and heal the deeper wounds that seem to recreate it, after times of relief. Usually it is when I am reliving my old patterns in terms of how I show up in my relationships without honoring my own needs and creating healthy boundaries. I trust that you will find what works best for you and enjoy with your dearest toddler to the fullest 💛 it is tiring I understand to go through something repeatedly. Sending you much love and soothing energy for you to rest into.

    1. I have to agree with how much slowing down I have had to do when pain asks me to get clear and return to what I absolutely ‘need’ and reduce it to that. There is no doubt a whole lot of emotional turmoil and the healing of old wounds always comes up as a result and my need to continually reassess when that sort of reflection is available for me to do. Overall, I have to focus on being gentle with me, in my frustrations, and in my wishing things could be “another way.”

      Thank you so much for your understanding and support 💗
      I’m sorry you were unwell, and I will read on your post.

      1. You are very welcome, and thank you for these rich and deep conversations 💛 they help us all sail the storms better.

        I trust your wisdom to guide you and if you ever think a heart to heart talk might be of help, please feel free to email me.

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