There was a point along the timeline, almost 10 years ago now, when I realized that I might have it in me – the interest – to become a computer programmer. I also had enough intelligence to create a small calculator using java, the language – not the script. I got an A in my Master’s level intro class in programming (I was considering a Network Architecture degree), while I was also a full-time at a call-center for a top-of-the-line cellular phone company. I would fix problems for agents who were our sales force in the stores. I had access to the switch; and I was asked on several occasions to do special projects with user-testing for huge, new software interface roll-outs. This bothered me because I liked being “closer to the machine.” Machine language is simple. Though I did not use machine language, nor firmware. I did use software that was a bit closer to the database, requiring the most basic commands. It seems like software just keeps getting built outward, towards the user, with more tools, more “accessibility.” We all adapt to constant changes and improvements, because it’s supposedly adapting to us. This bothered me. This tempted me to start to feel like I want to build, in my own life, in the opposite direction. I wanted to start taking down the scaffolding – find out the basic functions of my world, my heart, my spirit, my roots.

I should mention here, that I am not technically inclined on a regular day, nor off the cuff. When I get stressed out, I don’t see things that are right in front of my face. I don’t always remember the obvious, especially if its my own “problem”: “Did you toggle the power? and power cycle.” I do have a decent track record with making sure that devices are plugged in. That said, I would not go to myself for help with a technical problem.

Anyways, the point is, I didn’t know I could hack it. (Pun. Intended.)

I never considered myself a Geek or a Nerd – in the proud way that people often say it today. I was always trying to earn respect from myself. I was always internally bumbling ~ never felt comfortable with the idea that I might be intelligent, or capable. Supposingly (my made-up word for now), I was concerned with what were the consequences of that. Does anyone care about the consequences of mind and matter? Programmers are concerned with function. They have ways of compiling data; and they have ways of testing usability. I am not a programmer. By the way, I am not a philosopher, either.

I am not interested in what I am, or what defines me. I hope you aren’t either, because I don’t think that’s the best thing about knowing me – although I couldn’t tell you what is – maybe never ‘really’ knowing me?

Here’s why I started writing today in the first place, for a quasi poem:

In programming language there is an
“if, then” statement. It’s how we help the
computer, “make decisions.”

For now, I have learned to live without the function of
the “if, then” statement. I go by “Do, while.” I realize that
“Do, while,” is dangerous code, because it is a continuous loop.

“If, then” logic is brilliant. But the Taoism
from my teenage years, That Lao Tzu I read,
influenced me and wrote some code for me:
“The code that is written
is not the code.”

“Whistle while I work” fits in better than, [Do, While]
“If I succeed at A, then B will be possible.” [If, Then]

I like that, really,
just telling you how it actually is
now: “Do, while.”

((“Whistling, while I work”) meanwhile writing happens”) Here’s my “real” style.

What are you Doing, while?

Meanwhile, I’ve got dishes…herbs…boring stuff that makes me whistle, and a long day ahead of me.