Building my altar to existence, designing the playhouse of my environment, and just bringing more presence and awareness into my life with every breath.
*Welcome*
It’s okay to step away from the whole “the Universe is teaching me a lesson” paradigm. Sometimes things are the way they are because of a zillion potential reasons. And, sometimes, mercilessly, there is no reason. We still have the responsibility to deal with what arises. But it does not help to recycle the age-old idea because it’s near-neighbor is the concept of punishment and karma. While these things may be potential reasons for why things happen, they don’t express the love and peace and wholeness of the universe—which is the universe’s true nature. I take this stance because the universe is inert, in a sense, and very receptive. There is the peace in the space, in the nothingness of it. It “absorbs” all.
These “teaching a lesson” concepts are not helpful for people who are in the midst of true struggle and dark night of the soul. What people need are Earth angels (and otherwise). They need people who understand and intuit without having to look through the lens of their own struggle (and be clouded by it) but when they can deeply tap into the universal struggle that we are all susceptible to. One’s good fortune should never be taken for granted. It’s too easy to want to fall into the new age “Law of Attraction” and desire for manifestation! While all these things and many others have their positive and fruit-bearing ways, they do not fulfill the need for us to focus on becoming the most healthy we can be so that we contribute to others. And often we contribute to others even while we are unhealthy, broken, and in need of support ourselves. We can do both, and we must do both. There’s another maxim that gets recycled over and over again about the oxygen mask on the plane. Yes, you should take the oxygen mask first, but you can’t wait until you safely get off the plane before helping others. How do we help others? I don’t know. What I do know is that I intend to speak up a lot more about my opinions, my experiences, and what I think is more productive, efficient, and what I perceive as more loving. I’m not doing it in a writerly way, I know. This is all about undressing the writer and being without her craft, just to be here, fully. For the purpose of my own communication & growth. I am a living experiment and I always have been. Those who have known me since my teens and twenties would know this is my consistent approach to living a free life. But, I didn’t get my chronic pain until July 21, 2012. Regardless I use my old toolbox just as well as my new one.
What “new age” ideas could you do without (for a little rest-break from them)? How would you prefer to reframe some of your experiences so that you can better process them? What super powers have you developed since dealing with chronic pain?
to enjoy the delights of the youth that this same body
created.
I will not give up. I will not hide.
This experience is a big part of my life
Until I die.
***
I created a new tag for chronic pain. I’ve been working really hard to get through it for a very long time now and how debilitating it feels. I’m in the midst of it and the depression and anxiety tries to grip at me. I’ve been fighting that for a long time, too. I wrote this to connect with people who also experience chronic pain and who are often side-lined by their experience. I’d especially like to reach people who have debilitating problems while being a parent of an active and delightful (willful) toddler. I’ve done all things and all the energy work and all the healings with so many care providers dumping so much money into trying to resolve this. I even got myself a Master’s Degree in Chinese medicine, studying Eastern arts, herbs, and other management methods beyond that with tips and tricks that never end. I ask you to kindly (and I will delete) withhold any comments which try to offer fixes for me or make any statements other than supportive ones.
I never intended to share this, but there’s something so special in it that I felt like if I don’t let it out, the magic will not come back again. And by magic I mean… the allowance!
Your life wants to live through you. If you are judging yourself before you even start, you are missing the most precious moments of your life. This is an energy thing. This is an important lesson. Give yourself a little exhale from now and then and remember– this is your life, but you are not living it for yourself! 🖼
I had never used these pens before. I’m not going to make excuses about how much I think this drawing didn’t live up to my expectations. I adore this drawing. It surprised me! With little to no preparation I made a Mark that will be remembered forever. I adore this gift that I was given, and I hope to pass it on! It only takes a spark and maybe “her” 🔥 fire will be blazing! That is my hope! 😍
with its full frizz why-not-be “cool” dreads, but never quite really curly collective except for this piece and that piece and this piece under here.
I write so I can unjam my mind that’s like toddler traffic mixed-mode transportation with plenty of pauses to get out of the toy car and smell a flower, and have to say hi and bye a few times to anything with a new name I just learned.
I write so I’m not alone, whether with my creativity or lack of imagination boring me into the crevices of the rug on my floor and the yawning afternoons when I’m studying so much and it’s still not enough because I’ve got several more hoops to jump through because no one knows what the end goal really is, certainly not me, and I’m always trying to help people anyways.
I write so I can reach you, hold you, take you for a walk, breathe with you, face you, love you.
I write so my spirit can ascend while my mind is busy analyzing and second-guessing how and what to do to pass the time while I’m in pain or in procrastination or both, and I just need to reach out and make contact with mobilizing words that gets life flowing and unstuck.
I write so that I can find my music or because my music found me and I can’t get that new melody obsession out of my head because it wants to move inside of me and animate me.
I write because there is no me, there’s just the writing and the moving and the reaching and the holding and the desiring and the clearing.
I write to find you. To stick with you, to invent you, to rehabilitate you, to worship you, to trust you, to learn about you. I write because this is the way you like to show up when you are in the neighborhood and your best friend is only as distant as the knock on the next door and the warm entryway awaits, and the meal, and the offerings and the friendship and the feast.
It’s been a while since I’ve been so captivated by an artist like this. I love the haunting sound of Marika’s voice and lyrics. She comes from a place of depth and exploration. It’s nice to find a new fascination in her work and talents that I want keep enjoying more of her songs. This is the song that got me started, but there are so many songs with the same quality of soul expression.
I’ve been wanting more people in my life who I can share music with, people who resonate with what I like. What I like changes, but I don’t want to hold back sharing because I’m afraid people won’t be interested. I’ve done that way too much in my life, and I’m calling quits on that. I enjoy music which moves me to the depths of my soul, even if that evokes melancholy. I can easily get out of melancholy so I don’t fear to tread in where these sounds take me. It’s nourishing and enriching to be an artist who explores new territory. I used to be an artist like that. I’m going to rediscover that part of me.
What music do you love but you feeling awkward sharing with others in your day to day? Please tell me all about it.
In honor of the holiday, I’m sharing a passage from the random Tao. https://randomtao.org/
Twelve The five colors blind the eye. The five tones deafen the ear. The five flavors dull the taste. Racing and hunting madden the mind, Precious things lead us astray.
Therefore the wise are guided by what they feel and not by what they see, Letting go of that and choosing this.
the principle of living a balanced, moderately paced, low-fuss life: those who achieve lagom routinely take time to appreciate their surroundings, take several breaks during the workday, dress from a minimal and versatile wardrobe, and treat others with respect and kindness: “After spending two fabulous months with my in-laws at their home in Stockholm, I’ve decided I need to bring some lagom into my hectic American life.” (Dictionary.com)
Chamomile tea break credit: unsplash.com
Happy New Year of the Metal Ox 🐂
Celebration credit:Unsplash.comSandy Path Mountains and Chaparral
Wishing everyone a Happy Lunar New Year 🧧 February 12th. It’s like a second start to the year, another new beginning. 😉 🎈
The pictures above are from one of my brief daytime walks.
Today is the beginning of my healing, I say. Everything else that I did prior to today was a warm-up, or so it seems. Let the healing begin. Let this begin at a deeper level. Let me be genuine in my fearlessness to discover my healing in new ways. When I speak from a wound let it be pure and innocent as any welcomed embrace into the heart of forgiveness. I am equal to all others, I am free to be me as I am, as I am healing, and I am conscious and aware of my tender places inside and around me. I face the shadowed energies with renewed courage, renewed admission. I am in no hurry to rush past this point beyond where I find my language, in self kindness, to be aware. Let today be the beginning of a deeper way, a guided trust into the heart of all my hopes and abilities, and into the places that transcend my capacity. There is a greater spirit which is in my house, my heart. There is a god/goddess, Jesus, Buddha, a gift of presence. What would I do without my prayer? How would I call out for help? There is in me the ability to access the gift of guidance for all. There is in me the gift of awareness and a strength that even I do not know. I enter the beginning of my healing with deep gratitude. I am heard. I am loved. I am awake and trembling in the face of all its majesty, and it is okay. There is a peace and silence in my suffering. When I recognize that I can easily begin now.
I watched the inauguration today, and I am proud to participate in welcoming in this new administration. I have hope again. While I never really “lost” hope. I’ve been dangerously close to it so many times. Maybe I lost it for several hours, or for days at a time. When I think back to the previous 4 years, I know how broken I have felt and how damaged and shredded much of my energy had become. I see can it even better now. Having a good person in office, someone who knows suffering and also the overcoming of it, is admirable; and restores my faith to a degree that needed restoration. This is the beginning.
I consider it a lucky find (trouvaille) whenever I come across an image that I would like to photograph! Since 2021 is going to be another “busy” year, I thought I’d try to keep the content flowing here at Fiestaestrellas and periodically post with new and interesting words in the title. Since so many of us here are logophiles.
So how is your 2o21 going so far?
This year, I focused on manifesting peacefulness, grace, and more organization and beauty in my life. I’ve also been trying to generate more “spaciousness.” This is a great exercise! Wishing you all a Happy New Year, 2021
We have a solar eclipse coming up here on December 14, a Jupiter/Saturn conjunction in Aquarius shortly after that and then a Full Moon in Cancer on the 29th. There’s been a lot of astrology to talk about during all these crazy months but these newer developments feel more liberating than we’ve seen in a while.
The solar eclipse on the 14th is in the sign of Sagittarius. It’s a good opportunity to take stock of beliefs and how beliefs affect and color emotions to create mental filter through which we determine our realities. There’s a lot of social movements and many small groups that have communications around beliefs and translating those into visions for how to live in the world. However I’m more interested on the individual level and how the astrology can be used to help liberate us.
For one, this solar eclipse which translates into a Sun and Moon conjunction in the sign of Sagittarius at 23 degrees and 8 min, at at 11:16 a.m. ET/8:16 a.m. PT. is within a 3 degree orb conjunction with Mercury. The stories we tell ourselves are so important, and they are important at any time. However when we are on the cusp of a new adventure or journey, as at this eclipse, we are even more guided to the star ⭐️ we hitch our wagons to. That wagon is the energy or the wheels we give to our personal stories. When we seek liberation, we often try to overcome personal stories but then miss out on the richness of a life of non-attachment within those stories that decorate and frame our lives.
For me, this eclipse takes place in my 11th house of hopes and dreams and this week I’m finishing up a long term goal to complete my Masters program in Acupuncture and Chinese Medicine and fulfill my last requirements. I’ve had a long journey 6+ years with this endeavor and I’ve really struggled a lot through many personal challenges. There’s also been many graces along the way; but overall, I wanted to quit many times. At this point, I’m looking forward to integrating and spending some time in a place where I can be on the other end of this milestone. I put in a tremendous amount of energy, work, and slayed so many personal demons, but I’ve got more effort and work ahead of me, no doubt. For now, I’m enjoying the energy of this solar eclipse to highlight for me how my life is in many ways “scheduled and on-time” regardless of how my ego sometimes prefers.
This Jupiter/Saturn conjunction in my 12th house will further light up areas where my self-undoing has short-changed me but best of all these openings will finally be in the same sign as my ascendant in Aquarius. I’m ready to be moving into my Aquarian energy again, into my 1st house eventually, which is a little while away, but will be an additional boost to how I experience myself interfacing and interacting with deepest hopes and dreams, as a whole and refreshed person on the new horizon of my new consciousness.
It’ll be interesting to see where we all land on the full Moon in Cancer on December 29, as this virus continues to challenge individuals, families and cultural and financial systems.
January 2020 began, after all, with a moon in Cancer, on January 10. Reflecting back on this time is full-circle, where will we be? Where will you be? Come January 28, 2021 the first full moon of the year will be in Leo. So let’s think on it. Let’s call in Sagittarian wisdom from experience that we have special access to during this eclipse and look at this Cancerian (stay at home) year, in bookends.
Let’s figure out how we translate into the New Year 2021, as the year that brings our strengths into the equation in a new way. We have in so many ways been vulnerable in 2020 (Cancer), some have fought against what might have been perceived as authoritarian and rules from governance, and now it’s time to think about the ways within we’ve grown as we continue to walk into a more Leonine head-still-held-up, in a “how we survived,” call to grace. It’s those sprouts 🌱 which will come up in the new year, 2021. We will be dusting off the ashes, so to speak.
I hope you all have a peaceful and healthy holiday transition this December as many have already begun celebrating Hanukkah and this month is rich in energy for hope and magic. May you be well, May you be happy.
This is my final blog post for the November Nano Poblano Challenge, and I’ve been blogging every day, all month! This was a challenge I didn’t think I’d take on with such a busy schedule, but alas, I did it! I’ll be linking all my blog posts here at the bottom. It’s also the day I’m going to be writing for Linda’s challenge, called, “Litebeing Chronicles Change Challenge,” which is going through to the end of the year. If you are interested in adding your blog to the challenge, go ahead and clink on the link above. She asked us to write about “our insights, ideas, and evolution.”
What I’ve noticed is I have a very hard time following prompts, be they writing prompts or any kind. I’m learning that prompts are big for bloggers and creative people; but, I’ve just never been really good at them. When I attempt one, I find my mind goes blank. Some would call this writer’s block, but I never considered myself a writer. I do enjoy writing poetry, but I prefer to write it without rhyme more often than not. This style is called free verse, and it’s completely legitimate poetry. Well, maybe one day I’ll try my hand at ever newer things. I know would love to, in a way, when the time is right. Especially when it seems like it will be fun!
My evolution: Since the pandemic, being in graduate school full time (and finishing up this term) and also taking care of my now-toddler at home full-time, I found that I can still meditate, stretch, exercise, and basically work on things like alleviating my chronic pain. I have solid knowledge about what is helpful for me to keep myself afloat during these days where we wonder what’s next. I’ve become comfortable with where I am in life, exactly as it is. My ambitions are pretty relaxed right now. I’ve lost the pregnancy weight; I’ve kept myself afloat, mostly positive, and hopeful when I needed it the most. I have a very small support network, but I am grateful for the few people I have in my life.
I have less resistance to the present moment.
I find life incredibly exciting, delicious, and full of opportunity. I also love blogging with all of you! I wish I had something deep to say, but I really don’t. I’m immersed in the ordinariness of life right now, of time management, of trying to squeeze out creativity where I can. I’m still in the middle of the pandemic, in my world. It’s still happening. The most important thing I do these days is keep my mind on the present moment. That said, I’m pleased with how the month went with Nano Poblano.
Here’s an easy to use guide/summation of my posts for this month:
This month I decided to review my images from my time in Cambodia. You can see those images here. The intention for my posts this time was to be random. As it turns out there were a few themes, travel:
*All throughout my posts are a lot of my photography. It’s not something I’m doing right now, but I have enjoyed sharing these images.
In the beginning of 2017, I published my first book of poetry. It’s available to purchase if you click on the link to your right of this text. I hope to publish another book someday. Although, I have no plans right now to do one.
“Never travel alone” Ka Malana Photography
I’ve also been listening to jazz a lot. I mean, a lot. Here’s an upbeat favorite of mine. I read that Lee Morgan did the trumpet on this one. Benny Golson does the tenor sax. That trumpet and sax really have “voice.” What I love about jazz is how the music it builds and flows. I love the personality of the instruments. Then the piano, Bobby Timmons, just makes me smile. How could I not smile when listening to this track? That’s just me. Art Blakey on the drums, and Jymie Merritt on the bass, and the deal is sealed.
We’ve got a full moon upon us, as an eclipse, this lunation joins the a wide 11 degree angle to the North Node in Gemini. Tis the season for communicatin’ while the Sun anchors in the sign of Sagittarius (tropical zodiac). While we are all in our local neighborhoods (Gemini) for the most part, due to the pandemic, the travel desire of the Sun is strong. So we can use a few “mental vacations” or some light-hearted fun! How about a card game with your housemates? No, I’m not talking about “online.” Take some time to unplug from your tech, even if it’s only 10 min you wouldn’t have otherwise, unless you set the intention.
An eclipse in the mutable signs lends for more changeability and reorientation. Maybe you’ve thought of moving your furniture into a different configuration, or maybe you want to give your sister or brother a call and see what changes they are up to, maybe their relationships are changing, breakups and back-together-agains and they’d like to chat in your ear? What new ways have you found to navigate in your living spaces during this pandemic? You might want to embrace those Sagittarian ambitions but have to look at what’s right in front of you (Gemini). What can you communicate that is ordinary (something you thought was matter of fact) but hasn’t been said? Maybe it will help others get through the day with a little more smoothness? How can that ready sense of adventure be translated into your next foray into the walls within your local community? The past couple of days I was out at the park and laced up my roller skates for the first time in 2 years. Getting around on skates is a good match for this full moon. Be safe, be well, and have fun navigating these times!
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