Writer’s Block

Major writers block,
road block
pathway is a wall
of difficulty,
no climbing tools today,
better focus on what
“can be done.”

Climbing shoes on,
but it’s too hot,
the air is a bit
oppressive. Maybe we
can go home?

But we can’t, have to
keep going.

Rest on the wall, by the
wall, facing the wall.
Seeing the wall,
acknowledging the wall.

Maybe we can unpoliticalize
depowerfulize,
unseat this bad master
that sets us all apart from
each-other?

Or worse, from ourselves?

Climbing that wall,
will have to happen another day…

I only follow my own
assignments,

and one day –
that will get me over
the wall, through the wall,

invisablizing the wall.

de-solidifying, penetrating,
star-gazing away that wall.

Maybe it will dissolve,

get flooded with water, and
revitalized with plants.

Maybe that wall can be decorated
with all the graffiti founded
in the expression
that alleviates all our oppression,

We are united only in our
mutual desire for freedom
of authority. Don’t you see?

We need to be the boss of ourselves.

Fierce Orchid

You carry a riddle in your roots;
your leaves fresh, anterior, alert.
Perhaps a keiki in your future.

How strong you are in your aerial
apparatus, and your submerged green
fresh and fleshy chlorophyll tendrils.

Wrapping is what you are good at,
climbing, living, breathing through
soil, air, elements.

Your home is thick with fog and mist,
and your styles are unique, while full
of mimicry.

I walk forward

No fear in this busy being
of light of hope of faith
of trust

She guides me so effortlessly,
sitting beside the stream
of life of wisdom of
peace

When I listen to her
my mind, my openness, travels
into time into space
into realms into
heaven

She becomes me and
I am her, and you and
he, and we, we are
all together
gathering it in,
this moment of passing

acknowledging all
is beside us, behind us,
in front of us, before us,
ready to be discovered
above us
around us.

Within.

Paused

we are at a pause
while the turning of the year happens;
it’s all fast and slow at once!

her voice is muffled by the clamor
of her audience,
if only she could speak up,
but she’s clearing her throat,

trying,
trying…

why don’t i just rest
in this happy place,
where all is safe from any applause
or from too much importance.

there’s something about deaf
ears, that can inspire us, help
us find all the courage to

listen to ourselves…
and, it’s working well.

I honor the dark

I honor the dark I walk through
in order to reach the other side.
so many dark roads, cold and gnarly,
so many whispers and whisking suggestions

I celebrate the path of pathlessness
that marks the dark, lonely nights
so I can find the cabin in the woods
with the hearth and those places in me

with undying embers.

I value the strength of the seasons
which mirror the elements that
shape the snow
and give it life.

the breath of crystal
the voice of clarity.

Now I rest and I break from all the
fullness of life, to hear the most silent moment of the darknest night.

I watch it move through me with reverence,
because I understand how it gives birth.

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https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4fWyzwo1xg0

Mercury direct station and the New Moon in Sagittarius, reflections

Deep gratitude for this life that I am living and all the ways that I can experience it and share it with others. I am grateful for this blog and my wonderful followers and supporters. Fiestaestrellas.com has grown the most in the last couple of years with my book publication in 2017, and continued poetry in 2018! You all who visit here and stick around, inspire me so much! Thank you, Mahalo! Each new face and energy here is just so beautiful and precious, and I am grateful for your continuous support and encouragement!

With the transiting Sun, Mercury, and Jupiter, my astrological 10th house of reputation and role in community is all lit up, like a tree with a tiny, bright star at the top. I have some hope. Let’s put it that way.

Some reflections, inspired by recent and almost over Mercury and Venus transits (and shadows):

I haven’t been writing about astrology on my blog, when that was its original intention: “Fiestaestrellas,” celebrates the stars (and all along I really meant “celebrate life.” It’s so much a part of my life, continue with my NCGR group (and other local groups) and my daily meditations, but I’ve been enjoying celebrating poetry when it flows into this space. It’s a more open format that I enjoy, and enjoyment is the focus; it helps me cultivate all the things.

Originally I started my blog to be informative, sharing from my own experience and collected observations in conjunction with some collated information, and to meet people who I could serve, but over time I saw how wonderful all the other transmitters of information around me were on the same topic (and growing!), and I didn’t want to even try to compete! So, I let it go. I had other areas of expression that felt more productive and readily accessible (to harvest), while I couldn’t make it the focus it needed to be, in order to do it right! I think that was actually a good decision; and growing through the sharing of others, meanwhile, has been internally very nurturing. I’ve been under a lot of development! Yay!

Working with my patients in East Asian Medicine (acupuncture, etc) and continuous training in other styles of Shamanic practices, working with many teachers on different planes…plants, elements, etc.. from different lineages, being a member of groups of shamanic practitioners, developing friendships in my various fields of professional activities, and being an ordinary person, it’s really shown me all my deeper challenges end up being around business and business communication – I have strong desire to be in the most seamless flow around business and energy exchange. I am not alone, no one loves this area of self-promotion of their products and services as far as I know, and it’s nice when we can focus on the stuff that matters. Lots of cleverness and talent can be seen in people who navigate these activities with such ease! I’m always impressed by everyone else out there! I am not yet one of them, and despite being “at it” for a long time, I continue to make only “baby step sized” progress, which by the way, can be very cute! A couple of my supervisors’ evals praised my rapport-building skills with patients, and I think it’s interesting that it’s what I find the most challenging! It’s easier to see and test the results of the work via communication, and that’s been the most rewarding for me!

As a certain practitioner developing many skill sets at once, I can see this area developing nicely in my world (business/fair exchange) and it’s a relief. I’m really feeling valued! I feel like business will take care of itself, while I can focus on taking care of me and others. I’ve had a steady flow of patients without needing to do anything additional to “bring them in.” That’s a welcome relief. I can trust my journey! My patients have faith in me! I can keep my focus on my journey and not on anything else!

I’ll be working with another Shamanic teacher and being introduced to 3 new groups of plant essences and allies, beginning during this New Moon, today, and for the next several months! Very excited! I can feel excitement of new plant friends and new relationships forming on the horizon.

Left behind forever:

Comparison is an illusion and a thief. I don’t ever have to waste another moment on it, in a way that is not directly enriching and mutually supportive. Some comparison is reasonable and informative, I believe, and developmental. I make my own pace, and I am given so much as a result! Energy gifts come in all forms and I am receiving so much, and still learning how to receive, which has continued to be a challenge for me.

Stories from daily encounters that are cool and inspiring:

These days I’ve been enjoying sharing my daily and personal stories with my nearest and dearest, and elevating those relationships which most feed me in all ways. I appreciate receiving such wonderful feedback and gifts from the heart directly from my patients, and appreciate the supervisors who have given me such wonderful evaluations that I can reflect on during challenging times. I work to become less introverted in my daily life. I’ve had to push through so much worry, doubt, and insecurity. I’m truly a work in progress.

Much Love,
Ka

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P.S. Big props for people who read my blog post in its entirety, and with interest. I know it’s filled with run-on sentences, and a lot of un-polished-ness, but I wanted to transmit my exuberance. Thank you for all who were able to over-look that! Also, I hope to become a better writer in the future, and in different types of styles. I hope to be able to create more products to share, and be more productive in sharing my value.

Rain falls

drops easily fall from the heavy sky
in 360 surround sound
i’ve been waiting in this dark n’ quiet
corner, soaking up the peacefulness of
solitude in the midst of the
busy, moving, bustling life around me,

like the rain drops, I am released.

free to roam the ground and be as
petrichor, free as
any particle moves about from the
forces it is a part of,
free from mind or duty,
free from need to craft a vision,
of peace and calm, or growth
and creation.

Free.

it’s all already been done,

and the show I’m watching is the best show on Earth,
and from it can see Mars,
the expanding universe,
and feel the tiny little presence
that silently awaits its own journey of release.

Friends are lifting me up

it wasn’t long ago that I realized
that anything I had to offer anyone
was incidental.

try and try as I may, my contributions
and service always fell short of
my soul’s intention.

too much struggle in my own efforts
and not enough levity in my heart,
what can I give from that place,
but my emptiness?

my impact and influence on those around
me have been not the real way to be
a blessing, as my experience would show me:

being helped,
being lifted,
bringing that smile to others
who are there for me,
that’s the true joy I see in their eyes-

when they feel like they did something
good and their gifts were received.

when I want to “do” for others
it is when I find myself the
most “needing,” it’s like that,
unfortunately and yet innately
fair to recognize that

it’s an honest human equality,
it’s my truth…

allowing another’s love,
their efforts, their caring
to be heard, seen, respected,
appreciated.

receiving love, blessings, grace…
surrendering with gratitude to the goodness of others…

Grateful for so many
in-tune people to share this
adventure with
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If I were to…

open up and unfurl my inner poetess-process

I’d trace the skyline 🌃 of my heart’s city

with the finger of my imagination

And cover myself head to toe in fresh colors that smell of oil paint and spices

I may not make it to any meetings, appointments, or classes,

and I’d definitely not use a calendar 📆 except to color in the palette 🎨 of my life’s activities, exactly at times, and sketched at times,

and I’d cut out huge areas of clocklessness

i’d appoint each moment when it feels perfect and effortless 🔥 rather than schedule intersecting time-space happenings

i’d be cooking, and dancing, sculpting and then napping. I’d light incense and candles and then run through the woods, following the scents and tracks of animals…

I’d wear masks every day with purposefulness and intention, the feathers from my hair would stream in the wind as I follow the scent of dusk into dawn, and ride each day like an amusing dragon 🐉 of delights, streaming through the sky

unbeknownst to anyone….

Deepak’s 21 day meditation

This is the best Deepak series so far; I know, and I’m just only starting it today. In fact, I paused it, and took a picture of the screen so that I could share this forward so everyone else who wants to can benefit from joining this very large group meditation,  too. It’s Day 1! Today!

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So my schedule has fluctuated so much, and I have new things on my plate. A couple of weeks ago I saw the most patients of all the weeks previously, and by Wednesday, so all were in the first half of the week. Then last week I had a shift cancelation due to symposium and supervising decisions that resulted in a lot of free time, with a day’s notice – just when my plate was getting over-full with new things to do and midterms. So I used it and cared for myself. The good news for me is that I have everything mapped out in so many ways that I am able to move flexibly through it all, despite all the many unknowns that pop up, and the final result looks like it’s nearly inevitable. All my hard work will eventually reach its culmination, and I will have moved on…which simply means I can start all the creative things I’ve had on hold…

But not yet, nope… yet, the end for my current chapter (figurative)  is very near. And so many beginnings in other “new” areas of my life overlapping – even bigger. It’s like those places in the world where two oceans meet.

It’s exciting! **Mercury co-joins Jupiter** (within one degree orb today) and this is how I am experiencing it today!

Back to meditation…

 

Luck

Have you ever blamed yourself for something that wasn’t your fault?

I bet you have.

Doesn’t it work the other way, too? Given yourself credit for, no reason.

So many in the trend of thought talk
about ‘creating your reality’ with your
thoughts. While I do believe this,
I also believe that the belief, it can be taken too far. Too much emphasis can be placed,

on the personality, the contents of mind and action.

your thoughts are not you. they may be habits; they may float by in consciousness. They are not you.

free yourself from blame
that you really do not deserve. You
do not deserve all the good nor bad things
that happen to you. events are mostly neutral, even though most of us will agree about unpleasantness or joy of many types of circumstances.

free yourself from the burden of fixing
your mind. Your mind has its own life from you. Your whole life is going on, without your mind.

free yourself from your mind. this is possible as much as it’s not. But isn’t it worth the effort?

Then luck, in all its many forms, can find you!

Politics broken

the steam is disgusting, putrid
the clouds of lies are thick
with blame and people are
getting threatened every day.

Yet, every day someone else becomes
more courageous,

or is it just this need to breathe so
desperately?

families long-time divided
holding desperate silences,
fear of losing fake peace
coming, literally, from different places,
fearing loss of loyalty or confirming
it was there, just lack of love.

who can be secure in this world of human
desperation? politics and marketing campaigns, attentions gathered and divided,

who pays what for listening?

There is a call for freedom. It doesn’t look like its other forms;
perhaps formless,
perhaps astonishingly unbroken,
perhaps it’s a beginning.

we will move forward, damaged.

A Selection of True Awakening Experiences Part 3

But first…

Below is what I wrote for Part 2: Starting ‘right here’ with an intro.

This is a selection I wrote for MeMyMagnificientSelf, where we are asked by our friend Barbara to share our awakening experiences with others. This is Part II of a two part sequence. My participation is here, below, in Part II. I had recently met the other participants while Part I was taking place, and/or had already been completed.

Beginning:

Awakening used to sound like an ending to me, so complete, and total and full.

But, I think of it as this endless continuity. It is almost a complete engagement, and yet it is so dynamic that it is always “in the process” of being engaged.

There’s this idea that “one” has access to everything, all that has ever existed. But that is not just an idea; it is a sense – a smell, a quality to the nature of connectedness.

There’s still the personality, and of course because there is absolutely nothing wrong with the personality.

There’s just a sense of being beyond the capacity that one originally set out with in the life, and perhaps a sense of connectedness to all the other lives that came before, including the soul’s journey.

There’s this sense of not knowing what’s ahead, but being nearly absolutely certain, most of the time, that this gift of life keeps giving to us, to me, to everyone. There’s this sense of constantly being in reception with source. There’s a deep relationship with the cosmos and with the pain and suffering of the world, but not in a way that is gripping or feels identifying. There’s a sense of ‘coming and going’ and it just sort of improves over time. The witness who is watching is not really the subject, and there really is no object, but it is the peacefulness of center-point, and the culmination of pointlessness.

The emotions get deeper; the connections with others become richer. People in your family that you may have thought you didn’t “get along with” show you their spiritual love for you. Disagreements on the personality level do not affect the deep nature of the connection. The connections deepen. Family members start to feel understood and “seen” by you – as simultaneously the experience is mutual, and love enters where it the illusion was it was not. The veils on relationships keep lifting.

Awakening is a process – for this being it started in 2007, but the blueprints for it where there all along. The circumstances leading up to it, and in the beginning required a lot of releasing, a lot of acceptance into the path of the unknown. Meanwhile, all the support shows up. It can be rocky at times, even extremely difficult and painful, but ultimately awakening is the most brilliant gift to consciousness. It’s the kind of thing that spreads for those who are ripe and ripening. The clarity is what reigns, rises, and spreads, breaking up all the dross of thought, conditioning, and aberrant energy patterns. Awakening is final, but it isn’t done. It is like a seal that has opened and the energy from the container is decompressing over time.

Note: When I saw Barbara’s challenge show up in my inbox, I immediately penned the words above; it literally took me only about 2-3 minutes, if that. My own clarity on the prompt – as I experienced it unto myself – was surprising!

******************************* PART III *************************************

Begins Here:

Reflecting on Part II was beautiful. I am glad that I could receive again my relationship to the words on Part II through this exercise, agreeing with all that was written above about the continuous experience, and not feeling like I need to update or change anything.

Beyond ideas, beyond thoughts and notions of awakening is the day-to-day experience of it. There are the delightful surprises that show up along the way.

Below is a poem I have written for Venus Retrograde, which takes place today, October 5.

 

“Bringing in the Calm”

 

How can I feed this moment with what it needs?
,
numerous deep breaths answer…
,
the steady gift of,

deliberate
airway transformation

.

Healing sounds tone
,
a singing voice illuminates:

you are safe, you are peaceful,
you are calm.

your true nature shines free with the complete
view that all is now magic, laced in the fabric
of gentle thoughts, easy movements

fabric woven into a soft, multi-dimensioned
tapestry where you can surround yourself in
the cushioned condition of reflection

,

timelessly recreating a reality within the vision
of peace.

Writing, poetry, and photography ©Ka Malana 2018, shared on Fiestastrellas.com

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On the rocks

How can I do it all?

why does it feel so heavy
sometimes?

once a connection is made it
doesn’t leave…, and yet
where is my memory?

I need this moment for me,
for the sake of not over or under preparing for moments that don’t happen.

There’s an emptiness inside –
and I am grateful for it. It shows me
where i can love more.
forced gratitude sometimes,
the fear of complaining,
practicing victimhood, won’t claim me today.

at the moment of celebration,
there’s a lot more unplanned purging…
But I can see the freedom at the open door. I can feel the wind that flows through the openness all throughout, and I’ll just let the opening be there, while
I linger in this healing maze, clinging to the rocks, for

whenever I’m truly ready

38

Love has led me here
she does not tarry,
she does not make haste –
or deliver herself on the back
of intellectual arguments, just for
clarity’s sake.

she guides me with each step;
a lollypop on the road, a unique
Cees candy message from my teacher,
traveled all the way here
to my familiar sidewalk;
also, the drizzle of love from the grey sky
who has eased me from my ways
of fear and trembling;
and let me know, I’m not alone.

Love is my anchor, my presence –
the reflection in the mirror,
the “hello, good morning” in the neighbor’s
voice, the sound of my grandmother, my father,
my mother’s voice, once they’ve discovered,
that I’ve stopped hiding
under the racks at the clothing stores,

and started crying for different reasons…

i’ve stopped running away from beautiful
messages like roses, and hearts… easy things-
effortless nothings of love,
and i’ve begun to play the flute again –
9 years old meets 38 year old in one
body: and played a belated “Happy Birthday” to thyself.

Love has led me here to your doorstep
to your eyes,
for your reading, for your consumption.
When I was little, I stole an eraser,
it was big and it said, “for big mistakes,”
and I’m still having
difficulty forgiving myself for it.

if it were “i” i’d have kept all this
beauty hidden under the dusty, locked trunk of
“being under construction”… under surveillance,
waiting for a “safe” moment to come out and play.

but my little red ball slipped from my ageless hands…

if it were “i”, i wouldn’t have told you
my secrets in this one poem, or opened up my
consequences for your pleasure.

Anything worth doing, begins and ends with Love, even if it looks
like a mistake, it’s innocent.

2018© Ka Malana –

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I’m back from retreat, and about to get settled into a new trimester in the cauldron of deep study, practice, and making mistakes. I feel open and vulnerable to the newness of my mind, the emptiness of it. I’m not back to blogging. I might take a longer break from blogging. I sincerely appreciate new followers and new commenters and new visitors to Fiestaestrellas.com. The fact that you found your way here, well it means something. I look forward to catching up with all of you when I can, am able, or happily distracted. For now, I have a focus and love and passion…. to attend to, and I will follow it wherever it takes me.