Feeling good

don’t underestimate yourself

once you cross that line
in that sand of trials
you build momemtum
and when that happens,
nothing can pause you for too long

nothing can stop you

you know yourself
you are clear

it’s in your breath,
it’s in your training

you know how to count in the only
way that matters to you.

you know what you did before,
and keep watching yourself
transcend where you were.

all your energy is working for you,
no distractions
oneness in body, mind,
and soul.

close your eyes and just imagine
this is your new beginning,
and it has all your past practice,
with the joy of discovery

you are really on your path
see your feet on the ground
feel the wind in your hair
run for fun.

dance with freedom in your lungs!

****
corresponding to the New Moon in Aquarius

Savoring my 30s

no where near my birthday now,
steady on the end of current age-platform
this juicy decade gave way
to a certain level of clarity
that the 20s could not provide

and it took me into a deeper experience, than my 20s world travel
would, when i was across the world after 911, and during it, before
globalism became what it is today.

in my earliest years a
philosophical child,
my father explained death,
i was 3. he says he remembers my
face.

“really? you mean everybody dies?”

i lived in questioning – a strong muscle made from previous starry lives.

seeing this face in the candid photo
of my mind’s eye. seeing into past, present, and future.

now i am well-pondered, but don’t
have too many wrinkles, confirmed
by estheticians and medical assistants of skin care –

amused?! am i? there’s a lot of sleep i’ve missed thinking thoughts, places where wrinkles rolled and crimped and
limped, and wimpered.

now i regard time with a tentative eye–been in love with pattern and cycles and appreciating ephemeral
beauties.
lost friends to death, too early,
all unfair.

now youth is all i know, and better than ever. my 40s will likely be,
much younger than i’d ever have been
had i not lived deeply enough before them.

and evermore my memory restore
all that passed in the slips and dips
of the turns and spaces that burned.
i was accompanied by so much crap
i’ve shed. I’ve led a good life leaving behind. I’ve led myself out of the wilderness.

But in my 30s longer still, will fill this marvelous cavern of emptiness
that i am, until it brims over and replete with sparkles and tastes, and know that each moment, i have lived
with my senses, my body is my ally, my wonderful home, my poem.

I’m building beginning upon beginning
and growing more simple, cute and endearing. Love to you, my body, my friend–my accomplice! We have some wonderful adventures ahead! let’s enjoy this space we’ve created to play!

**
i just wanted to outwardly appreciate my youth in a way i couldn’t when i was young, acknowledging that I am still young enough, and growing truly younger. cheers for all the kiddos in the room!

First of all

First of all
I’m not gonna ever give up
I’m only going to get better

at the small things.

an entire life can be build
up proud, from the small.
do you know much of a difference
your commitment can make?

a commitment is for the small.
it means you aren’t expecting
any confetti to fly when you
do a thing.

it means, you forget about
reward, because the only
reward, the only real pay-off
is in the doing.

it doesn’t matter what time of
year it is,
or who’s in it with you.

**this was a draft that got published by accident. Too funny for me!

Learning to crawl

Every day is savored;
in its full mix
of babble and spitup
surprise smiles
and sitting up

the music is always on
the rain falls
out the window;
we hear it all

surround sound,

inside, it’s always warm
and we are learning
how to play more, live
more, roll on our bellies,
flip over and study our toys on
our backs

tasting so many new foods
as our brain cells ping
and our taste buds zing
and this is the life,

thee life!

it’s simple and always
available come rhyme or shine,
blowing raspberries and
tasting them too!

Attachment & Temperance

There may be no sense in attaching to one favorite card in the deck. This is also to say the same for the various conditions and circumstances of life.

There are a couple of things I want to discuss. First, this deck: the Wildwood Tarot is a newer deck of mine (even though I got it maybe last year but didn’t use it frequently) it replaces my very well-used deck that I had since I was a teenager, Tarot of the Spirit. I am not a person who has like 20-30 decks or more, like so many tarot card readers I know. At least now I am not. When I was pregnant, I literally cleared the decks and gave away my long time deck to another friend and shaman. Which brings me to another friend and shamanic healer who I was having lunch with and shared my deck. She was also looking for a deck to replace her main once since 1983. She recently decided on getting this Wild Wood Tarot deck and said I planted the seed because of the accuracy of my reading. I’m just very happy she got the deck and rekindled my enjoyment of tarot in the process. It’s nice to speak a common language with friends.

The card pictured above is like the Temperance card from the classic Rider Waite tarot deck. I received the Temperance card last night as “what I embrace in 2020” and I the Balance card pictured above, today. This repeat gesture from the universe followed after I had written to Karen from Shamanism and Healing blog. I’ll have to return to add the link. I wrote that I was sculpting the matter of my mind, non-dualistically, while emptying my thoughts. What I wrote is my experience that is being demonstrated by the cards, as the “universe.”

I have a fairly dualistic astrological natal chart. That is to say that the unaltered chart that was “cast” at the time of my birth, showed strong “opposing” energies. The goal of this chart would be to balance or to integrate any seeming dichotomies.

When I photographed my tarot card, I used a black and white background. Being intrigued as a child and in art with checker boards, chess boards and checkered floors, I’ve often been drawn to the juxtaposition of opposites. It’s the flavor of my character, perhaps, but deeply rooted in my consciousness is the desire to express a “and” and “both” existence, while experiencing and providing a sense of “wholeness” in my environment and for others.

For now, this is my favorite card, because it is calling to me deeply, and I’m grateful for its reflection. It brings up Indian Ida and Pingala and the caduceus as well as the foundation and structure for DNA and the formation of nucleic acids.

Thank you for reading!

Dear Blog Family

Please stay close in the New Year! I know I have a lot of reading and catching up to do. You are all in my thoughts and I am so grateful for the times we spend together, at odd or irregular hours, or when consistency is even possible.

This has been such a special year transition for my family and I, and though I won’t post personal pictures due to safety and pragmatism, I wish to share my joy and writings with such an incredible group of bloggers! One of my previous posts had the comments restricted. By accident no comments were allowed. I created the blog post from my phone, but it seemed to default to no comments; however, that didn’t happen with a subsequent post. However, no one left a comment on that poem, which is okay. Going forward as time permits, I encourage your interaction with me.

So grateful am I for all the ways you already participate! Happy New Year! 2020. I hope to continue to keep bringing content in this space in the New Year: it has been so wonderful to develop with your presence. I also hope to return to astrology. I had been not using this space for astrology because there’s so much of it on the internet now. Finding my own contribution has been requiring me to be in more meditation and *away* from all that; however, I have many other focused goals at present. I still want to have my writing, astrology, and photography/art in the forum, so I’m asking myself: how might I incorporate it in? I want to do so in a non-time-intensive/sensitive way. That is not a pun. Astrology is not really about time, although it “seems” like is. The astrology that is focused on “time” isn’t even one I”believe in.” To me, it’s about having a fun practice and exploration into what arises. Also, this doesn’t require languaging, despite that so much of it is “interpretation.”

Please stay close, leave your comments. What are you most happy you left behind in 2019? What are your dreams? Talk to me. Listening to people talk about their dreams is wonderful; I’m an activator. Let me add my energy by reading.

Much peace and many blessings to you blog family!

Flicker

This morning, I breathe.
i hear my belly flicker
like a candle.

like the one on my altar
illuminating all my work,
night and day

what’s manifesting in there?

knowing the universe will
deliver what’s inside.
knowing the universe is
like my input/output machine

where are my thoughts?

i’ve been germinating through
my seeds,
such an assortment,
seeing them spread out before me,
in a colorful array.

an arc,
like the sky’s gift on Christmas morning, presented a rainbow,
like the eclipse listened to me
and took a picture –
with its momentary wink,

ringing in the new decade
the next classy 20s act,
the best material is being
memorized by the cast

we are all character acting
and compelling. you believe us.
you believe in our dreams.

the best show is still in production
the sets were designed and constructed
this whole previous decade

and now the clock ticks on,
with each tick a new brilliant
thought, a dream, a breath…

tick tock….

the count, the flicker, the manifesting, the dreams.

Yuletide

I love the magic and mystery of the season – a season that reminds me of miracles and my place in them. At this time of year, I find myself wanting to be both present with my loved ones and meanwhile desirous to carve out a nook for contemplation.

This morning, on the first day of Winter, I find myself being with God. Which God? My pantheistic tendencies allow me to engage and interact with so many dynamic forms of god. For that, I am grateful. I’m not Jewish nor Christian, but I spent my early childhood with Christian mysticism and that followed me. I enjoy the richness of Kabbalah, and it’s led me. I’m not sure it’s the mystic path. Is it a pagan path, no, not entirely. Many would call it a name. I don’t want to. I found Taoism at 15, still a child, Taoism and literature was added into my “now-cauldron.” At 21, I traveled to India, was blessed by priests, and visited many countries as globalism was just being to explode; I added many other aspects and myths of many cultures to my then still younger pantheon through anthropology as my early undergraduate education. In my early 30s, I found Amma, Mooji, Gangaji and countless others. Each one who was there for me.

I find myself, today, seeking that unified voice of God, the one that isn’t a religious God – but I put the capital G because I am exploring this colloquial name, this non-gendered experience of “the one on the other end of a total transformation.” The one so preciously available at all times. The subjective-objective meeting point. The central one.

I enjoy my choices, as I know does God. Me choosing, playing, creating, being…

Finding the need and desire for my unique way of rejoicing, as I evolve myself in this body, is part of the fun of my life, and the life I Get to share with others. I’m embracing the God of my childhood, the one who was sometimes ‘there’ but often left me stranded. The one that seemed to morph at some point into a Sufi reflection, and now is just tenderly waiting for me to come back into union, to notice my self in her. To be one with me. The one who is always available for me.

Whatever faith or non-faith any of you, my dear readers practice, I wish you a very joyful time in your heart, even if you celebrate quietly or if it’s a roaring party for the next set of 20’s.

Thank you so much for being here!

May health, wealth, friendship, family, and contentedness be in store for us in 2020 – and miracles! Yes, miracles.

Oh, and 1 more important thing:
may we continue to improve ourselves so we can contribute to others, especially if that means: first we must care for ourselves.

Chronic pain

we all have the ability
to become wounded,
healers

never noticed before
how chronic looks like
chiron besides the extra “c”

maybe Called, to service
as a way of remedying
the pain we haven’t “yet”
healed.

but aim to,

with the strength and aim
of a Cenataur.

offering true hope, instead of
false hope – as one who
truly knows what it’s
like

to walk the ever-crooked path,

…Hitched to a star ⭐️

You CAN HEAL your disc herniation without surgery or steroids! — My healing journey

This is my healing journey. These were the words that I wrote in 2014. I don’t have a lot of time to write right now. This isn’t getting the special treatment that it deserves, but my child needs me so I can’t write for very long. I also need to get this out there. To take the next step.

At this point, it has been 7 years. My disc herniated on July 21, 2012. It was my own personal “2012,” 6 months before the Mayan date. It was the end of an old life that was just turning out to be brilliant. And, guess, what, it still is!

However, for me it got re-injured several times, including after I wrote this post below. Re-injuries corresponded to painful times and joyful times, but the re-injuries were definite periods of debilitation. For example, in December of 2012, my back re-injured after my husband and I took a trip to San Francisco to see the Nutcracker. We had so much fun and it was a triumph after months of severe pain and the inability to do much of anything at all – I mean, really. The capacity that I had before the disc injury to afterwards was like “night” and “day.”

I walked a little bit more than I normally did after the Nutcracker, after the injury. Yes, I was in pain the entire time, but it wasn’t debilitating type – it was the “getting better type” and sometimes I didn’t feel any pain AT ALL until the re-injury.

Another time, my disc re-injured when there was a shooting of police officers while I was driving in my car to my college chemistry class, but I was stuck in the car on the traffic-jammed highway for over an hour, due to the shooting.

Finally it re-injured in 2014 after I was on the way home to California, after visiting with my family on the East Coast. I was just telling my husband, “I feel pretty.” We were just beginning to dance together again.

So here I am. I am now healed even more. I had no “re-injuries since 2014” but some week-long episodes of back pain. Back then I was trying very hard to stay positive. Back then doctors would say, “20% never recover” from the disc injury. Well, I wasn’t going to fall into that category. I was determined!

Even though I crawled on airport carpets in pain – had to toss my ice pack because of airport security wouldn’t allow me to have it on the plane. Even though I was on hooked up to my e-stim continuously and had to make flight modifications to try to lay on my side. Even though I once had to lay down on a concrete sidewalk for a few minutes on the way to a massage session because the pain was so bad that it brought me down to the ground in the light of day. I still had an amazing 7 years! I got married, for one, to the most patient man on the planet. I traveled and accommodated and moved through each and every challenge. I enrolled in a graduate program in Chinese Medicine and Acupuncture, and I wrote a blog about poetry and astrology and barely talked about my difficulties!

Fast forward to now:

This year, I had my baby. During my whole pregnancy, I only had one event of back pain and it was over Thanksgiving 2018. It was in the beginning of my pregnancy and I overcame it (the worst was the fear of it getting worse) – but as my body grew, my pain did not increase. I was even able to do prenatal yoga and resume positions that my body loved so much before the disc herniation, like downward dog and so many other flexion poses – without fear! Did I use yoga to heal myself? Yes! Did I use acupuncture to heal myself? Yes! Did I try absolutely everything, machine and contraption – just about! I tried it.

What really helped me long term: Acupuncture & energy work & exercise & staying as positive as possible. TIME.

When I was deciding with my surgeon whether or not to get surgery, back in 2012, the outcomes from 7 years with conservative treatment vs. surgery were the same. So, here I am: 7 years later – no surgery – all my discs are intact. No discectomy which could have further destabilized my spinal column leading to a fusion, etc, etc. No rods in my back.

I can go to the gym about 3 times a week now, and the walking problem (the walking I couldn’t do – that’s definitely in the past). I’ve been walking. I have been walking for years, again.

I rehabilitated, and in many ways – my inner health is much, much better. One day I might offer more details about my story. But for now, know that if you’ve had a chronic problem for a few years: you don’t have to suffer forever, you can come to the end of the suffering! You can follow the path to the positive outcome!

Also know, that you can renegotiate your relationship with pain, and still create wonderful memories in the midst of some of your worst! I certainly did.

After all, this is part of my journey of “Awakening.”

Of all the blogs I ever wrote. I hope this one gets read the most.

Hey Listen up! I’m here because I got better, and while I was struggling, and for so long (a little over a year), I spent a lot of time looking for hope online. I was reaching for anyone that had had a similar experience, or who had suffered something horrible, and overcame it. My L5/S1 […]

via You CAN HEAL your disc herniation without surgery or steroids! — My healing journey

ataraxy

a placid smile
flows like a lake
calm-drawn for
a mile

across the buddha’s
brow,
unseen,
where no wrinkles made,
he is,
full of Tao

no thoughts to rouse

him

from spirit’s house 🏡

055781AC-5C86-4852-88ED-395BC1DE7EE2

Above Visual and poetry c. Ka Malana 2019

2019

Image for Cheer Peppers 🌶 Nano Poblano 2019

Sharing Cheer Pepper contributor Janelle @ Breaking Moulds.com where she goes “Operation Full Circle” back to New Zealand after her journey of healing her broken heart.

That full moon was craze balls!

96941121-72AE-452C-B988-09DDC8C8E413.jpeg

Finally feeling lighter! Wowsers! I’ve been nearly knocked off my feet since the Mercury station retrograde at the end of October culminating into the full moon yesterday. I feel like all the trines and sextiles (aspects) in the chart were just leading and directing more energy into the healing and clearing process, facilitating that “something bigger’ we are all working on. But when I am “in it” that’s my work – that’s what I do in order to maintain. Pardon the interruption, I will resume reading your blogs and commenting and sharing on twitter, as always, as I am able to.

For those of you who had a very calm and even comfortably lazy Taurus Full Moon – I am very happy for you! We all deserve it! Thanks for letting us experience it through you! 

My paradigms have been shifting so much in the past several years ((and many of them just being blown away)) and they haven’t exactly settled into languagable – yes I made up that word – spaces, so I can barely write, even though I have been doing it! Writing to me is a process that feels like a crystalizing, so it’s not always my preferred medium; albeit it is magical in it’s own ability to manifest. I am posting and I’m doing that regularly (and for Nano Poblano) in order to continue to try to develop my language skills. When I started this blog I hadn’t even considered “becoming” a writer, because I’ve never been very good at writing prompts and “writing on demand.” I just wanted to share astrology. Then I remembered I loved poetry, too. Then I worked at it, and with help, I published my first poetry book. Since then I’ve written a lot more. So the cycle continues with more momentum. Also, I used to do photography but haven’t been doing that for a couple of years now, either. Crossing fingers to squeeze that in with more ease and grace.

Dear readers thank you so much for being great readers! Thank you for being yourselves and blogging along side, in the development rooms, in the presentation rooms, in the brainstorming clouds – I hope to be able to return to the November writing month celebration’s programming: Nano Poblano, but I have had to attend to rapid developing processes at home (little sweet baby) and within (keeping the fort down), as well as those finals are coming around again.
I’m so nervous about next term and being away from my daughter just a little bit more. So far, I’ve been able to balance being in “two places” at once, but being back in the clinic will require more of me and I think i CAN DO it! At least today I do. Feel free to cheer me on – I’d like to graduate by the end of 2020.

Also nursing her and being very close to her as much as possible! I don’t want to miss any of her! ❤ We CAN DO this together! She’s already helping me brush the dust off my guitar more often. She’s enjoyed my shamanic drum, and my Djembe… etc., and she really just enjoys anything on her good days 🙂

******************************Poem interlude*******************************

When you are lost
and all the things you see
have cost

when you lose the
hope for inspiration
and all you get is
pontification

when deep in your soul
the flavor of umami is
taking a: “getting
used to this.”

your hot cuppa fate
and open breath
ability to satiate
into the autumn death

a new warmth grows
and gives hope in
the throes
of the open air.

*************************CHECK out These Cheer Peppers**********************

Link to all bloggers with Nano Poblano

Special blogger Nano Poblano discovery and shout out goes to Namysaysso.wordpress.com
Loving the poetry and imagery of perspective! Your post today was great and I really liked your ones recently about the cosmos and our place in it, and the ants 🐜!2019

.clean up poem.

help, my email
is a mess-
i know i’m not the only one
about to run…
outta space!

the window sill is
now clean,
where’s the will to
dive into my google drive
and organize IT
on the fly?

help, my cookies clog
up my wordpress
and Press won’t let me
“like” others’ blogs!
Blog – agog

help, my WordPress is
not helping me manage
my communications. It’s only
showing me half of the
com ments, or none.

the other half is
cluttered in email

as for my house? not bad.

my friend is coming to get
the lamp, the extra diapers
went to the baby named
Daenerys – Queen of Dragons.

my creative spaces
can’t hold half-worked projects
help! I want to make more,
but where do i put it?
it’s a chore!

my office has moved into the closet
now my closet needs more closets.

*************************************************************************
I was trying something new here. Please don’t be upset if it wasn’t a real poem, or any good at all. Whenever I write, it makes it better. I think putting anything down in writing helps (at least it’s not an extra piece of paper to file!!!) I think being silly helps.

This is a contribution to Cheer Peppers Nano Poblano 2019. For more contributions go here.

2019

.doodles i dug up.

I’m a lover of line
the gloss-on atop paper
the tip of choice
pen, pencil, or dirt
paint, sculpt, hands
to clay

I’m a lover of line
and form and a
wandering curiosity

78F147DE-5246-4E13-9152-5ACFB4EFAD11

allows the page to just
do justice to itself
without the presence of
any mind.

I am a lover of line
of lyrics and liquid
of flowing and flown

drip-drop, the medium moves
across dimensions
from visions,

bop hop, clop,
if it’s a flop,
who cares…
4DABE6F3-A5D6-456D-B970-7E1B6AD192DA

This is part of my contribution for Cheer Peppers 🌶 Nano Poblano. Click for more contributions from other peppers.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>~<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

at some point in my life, I stopped doodling. I hope it comes back 😃