Pain drives us

Sometimes pain drives us to hide

from experiences that present possibilities for more pain

And other times, it helps steel our will

Stake a claim on creating a new vessel to

Live in.

Like a hermit crab, maybe it’s time to climb into a

New shell

Maybe forge one from fire;

My shell is changing

My flesh has reduced and my muscles are rising

Some of this is the consequence of sadness or

feelings of worry and despair, combined with work and determination after long pauses

I plan on making feelings of worry, fear, and despair my allies.

Even if empathic, they can be useful.

It occurred to me today that I don’t need to be useful to the world.

But that I would stake my claim of my place in this world by virtue of the fact that I AM living.

I will let pain drive me to new discoveries,

Relationships, and acceptance.

I will allow this transformation.

Growth dreams

Resiliency powerhouse

Soft lover

Open channel

Guided, Effective, Capable

Living off the fuel of my challenges

Facing the fears and being gentle with myself

Loving compassion

Showing up!

Clearing the illusions

Being present

Sharp focus

Strength & opportunity

Seeing the wisdom in the wounds

Building paths and making possibilities

Transcending my perceived limits

And working it, never giving up.

*I’m picturing myself sailing on a ship, being deeply in tune with the ocean, and yielding to the power of the storm while the storm inside me grows to match the might of that storm outside of me. I am ready to build this new way of being in the world. I am ready to see the new ways forward. I am ready to be gentle and yielding in the truth of how mighty we all are. 💖 We can overcome our difficulties. I want to be on that path! I am on that path! I will keep going. Growth dreams, to become more than I am now, I am ready.

Cheers to this full moon 🌕

Feeling authentically with chronic pain

In the beginning of the year I wrote a blog post titled the beginning of healing. In a personal sense, this was more prophetic than I knew. I sensed a deep river running through me ready to perhaps “cleanse me” and wash over me on a more subterranean level. Yet I’m not ready to define “what this is” on that deeper level, spiritual level. Maybe I sensed that quite a bit had been stirred up inside of me during the insanity of the pandemic and politics and thus readying me for more healing and feeling. Maybe I had just been through so much just having a baby and transforming into a mother.

Three months after having her, I completed most of my National Board exams before graduating.

I then finished my Master’s Program by December and the remaining National Board exam, but now have been stopped short of my goal to get licensed in my own state because of the need to sit for a 5 hour exam when I cannot due to pain and further causing injury to my spine. I put so much effort into my program and made much progress with my own health (so it seemed) only to be stopped short for a time. I can eventually take my state’s board exam, maybe, if I get well enough to. Sure I could move to a different state but we have other roots here as a family, and so I feel attached. Better to stick with the career roots my husband has built. Also, it’s home to my alma mater and I’d prefer to stay close by hoping for more opportunities that way. But not if I’m not well!!

I can barely take care of my family, and it being “just us” and literally no one else living in the same state, there’s no one to really turn to for a helping hand. We need to hire help.

Plus, my health has been the worst money pit.

Friends, I’m still in the thick of it, having some better days mixed with suffering days. However what seems to be emerging is this sense of connectedness with my closest friends, who still happen to live far. I don’t feel as lonely as I did a month or two ago, at least, not today.

I also really want to be in touch with people who have had or are experiencing chronic pain, and making the best of it. I absolutely know I am not alone. The whole reason I am walking my path is because I am authentically me. I am free to be myself, and learning every day how to show up for myself and love and bring healing to all the aspects of my consciousness. Some part of me does trust that this is a process unfolding within me, that I will get past it, and my life will move on! But for now, I’m in a really challenging & painful holding pattern.

Authentically yours,

Ka

Stabilizing

a pillar has rolled back into place.
consciousness is as steady as a beam.

The gaze is calm while looking at the rust, bright lights and dark spots fuse transforming angles of industry into cloth and folds into thin sheets.

i hear a whisper from her heart
her lips are pressed against my chest. i feel warm knowing she is one with me again. She’s curled up inside of me, ready to face what’s next.

i turn to her and thank her for her patience, for enduring what this path and journey really means: commitment.

I’ve never seen her grow like this before, joining in with faith. She clutches onto nothing. She’s honest to the brim. Shes ready for what’s next. So I lead her back inside.

speak.

When I woke my voice was brittle—

The words came out,

but were easily broken.

I then sifted through the debris and emptied the sand from my hands, made up of

messages that, when undelivered,

had turned to dust.

With my warm dry hands I gently held my

throat and let my hands speak “you may not know how to voice

but I give you time. I give you space.

Your voice matters. Never give up. Let anyone try to silence you, but you will never again do it to yourself.”

*is anyone else having trouble with the editor? I did a copy and paste of my poem and the formatting would not fill one solid block. I’m not being too picky about format right now, because it’s not convenient to be. It expresses enough on its own.

My tears are touching everything but what I need

My tears touch my cheeks

But cannot spread into my heart

Cannot touch this wound and offer it

Still there’s flowing from both heart and from tears

The path forward seems dusted over

Every prayer keeps me in it for the day

But each day I’m missing out on where my

Heart wants to be engaged, in full capacity.

Moments ease and bring hope.

But, the same thorn in my back remains

My patience has been by my side for 9 years

But the dysfunction cannot be ignored.

I am tethered to it.

Only well enough for so long or so far

The variable “x” has been my one constant.

I want to run and sweat with all the energy I have built for transformation

But I am stuck sliding back in my circled walls so slick I cannot climb

Bone deep is misaligned

No muscle release nor stretch will remove the thorn, no deep breath, no daily meditation, no daily Qi gong wills it away.

Where I want to spread hope, I’m left wanting.

My tears arriving to keep me company and hear me lose my patience.

Enough!

The beauty

I never intended to share this, but there’s something so special in it that I felt like if I don’t let it out, the magic will not come back again. And by magic I mean… the allowance!

Your life wants to live through you. If you are judging yourself before you even start, you are missing the most precious moments of your life. This is an energy thing. This is an important lesson. Give yourself a little exhale from now and then and remember– this is your life, but you are not living it for yourself! 🖼

I had never used these pens before. I’m not going to make excuses about how much I think this drawing didn’t live up to my expectations. I adore this drawing. It surprised me! With little to no preparation I made a Mark that will be remembered forever. I adore this gift that I was given, and I hope to pass it on! It only takes a spark and maybe “her” 🔥 fire will be blazing! That is my hope! 😍

Lagomorpha

Hop, hop, hop

in the morning we go

hop, hop, hop!

she loves the rabbit and the elephant, too

we make the sounds of the animals true

and embody them, it’s the way we learn.

after nap, it’s “hop, hop, hop”

and even at night, when dreams yearn.

we know all the names for bunny, hare, rabbit

and she is my inspiration for this springing habit

is not just one day: It’s a “kick off”

Spring has not just sprung, it is still springing!

Hop,_hop,_hop_!

Getty images

Why I write

I write to feel the wind in my hair,

Goddess knows it’s such a mess anyways

with its full frizz why-not-be “cool” dreads, but never quite really curly collective except for this piece and that piece and this piece under here.

I write so I can unjam my mind that’s like toddler traffic mixed-mode transportation with plenty of pauses to get out of the toy car and smell a flower, and have to say hi and bye a few times to anything with a new name I just learned.

I write so I’m not alone, whether with my creativity or lack of imagination boring me into the crevices of the rug on my floor and the yawning afternoons when I’m studying so much and it’s still not enough because I’ve got several more hoops to jump through because no one knows what the end goal really is, certainly not me, and I’m always trying to help people anyways.

I write so I can reach you, hold you, take you for a walk, breathe with you, face you, love you.

I write so my spirit can ascend while my mind is busy analyzing and second-guessing how and what to do to pass the time while I’m in pain or in procrastination or both, and I just need to reach out and make contact with mobilizing words that gets life flowing and unstuck.

I write so that I can find my music or because my music found me and I can’t get that new melody obsession out of my head because it wants to move inside of me and animate me.

I write because there is no me, there’s just the writing and the moving and the reaching and the holding and the desiring and the clearing.

I write to find you. To stick with you, to invent you, to rehabilitate you, to worship you, to trust you, to learn about you. I write because this is the way you like to show up when you are in the neighborhood and your best friend is only as distant as the knock on the next door and the warm entryway awaits, and the meal, and the offerings and the friendship and the feast.

Uncover me from death

How to sing without words?

Much less to write the song in my heart…

Who will witness what cannot be expressed from this life?

Though the rivers run deep one can only hear trickles on the surface, if they care enough to put an ear to the ground, sensing it’s pulse.

How am I to bring this submerged, moving iceberg to the surface?

How can I give you fresh water from the melt?

Why is my heart continually silent in its renewing?

How can I build a bridge back into song?

One day my spring will come.

The birds will sing through me, and I through them, and my alignment will feel total.

For now I lay in the wet and dry soil, hidden, covered and fully in the process of my own death and rebirth, without the hint of the future.

Without the want for any hint of the future. Be it as it may. I have died many times and this time let me come back as my own surprise.

Marika Hackman

It’s been a while since I’ve been so captivated by an artist like this. I love the haunting sound of Marika’s voice and lyrics. She comes from a place of depth and exploration. It’s nice to find a new fascination in her work and talents that I want keep enjoying more of her songs. This is the song that got me started, but there are so many songs with the same quality of soul expression.

I’ve been wanting more people in my life who I can share music with, people who resonate with what I like. What I like changes, but I don’t want to hold back sharing because I’m afraid people won’t be interested. I’ve done that way too much in my life, and I’m calling quits on that. I enjoy music which moves me to the depths of my soul, even if that evokes melancholy. I can easily get out of melancholy so I don’t fear to tread in where these sounds take me. It’s nourishing and enriching to be an artist who explores new territory. I used to be an artist like that. I’m going to rediscover that part of me.

What music do you love but you feeling awkward sharing with others in your day to day? Please tell me all about it.

Have a wonderful Lunar New Year 🧧

In honor of the holiday, I’m sharing a passage from the random Tao. https://randomtao.org/

Twelve
The five colors blind the eye.
The five tones deafen the ear.
The five flavors dull the taste.
Racing and hunting madden the mind,
Precious things lead us astray.

Therefore the wise are guided by what they feel and not by what they see,
Letting go of that and choosing this.

👁👂👅🤪 👀 to ❤️ 🙏🏽 🫁 🧘‍♀️🧘‍♂️

Lagom

noun:

the principle of living a balanced, moderately paced, low-fuss life: those who achieve lagom routinely take time to appreciate their surroundings, take several breaks during the workday, dress from a minimal and versatile wardrobe, and treat others with respect and kindness: “After spending two fabulous months with my in-laws at their home in Stockholm, I’ve decided I need to bring some lagom into my hectic American life.” (Dictionary.com)

Chamomile tea break credit: unsplash.com

Happy New Year of the Metal Ox 🐂

Celebration credit:Unsplash.com
Sandy Path
Mountains and Chaparral

Wishing everyone a Happy Lunar New Year 🧧 February 12th. It’s like a second start to the year, another new beginning. 😉 🎈

The pictures above are from one of my brief daytime walks.