Tricky Life Path

I’ve been fighting off a borderline fever for the past couple of days. Rarely do I write about my hardship publicly; mostly because I believe I have really good fortune, and don’t feel like I have legitimacy to complain. Complaining has been drilled into me as a bad thing. Venting is okay in small amounts, certainly don’t want to turn people away from us. So many of us tire from our own suffering, we tire of sharing it.

One of the reasons why I created Fiestaestrellas (including the astrology bit) was to celebrate all the good. So I could make it bigger in my life, and stronger than what gets me down.

That’s the truth, and yet, people are at a distance and we feel stifled when our reality is not accurately portrayed. Then we just go on and on sharing, and attempting to balance and express until it’s so obvious it’s beyond words and maybe we relax into it a bit more.

I’ve had a lot of joy lately. (Jupiter transits have always given me a mixed bag of plenty).

But it has come with a decent amount of hardship.

A couple of weeks ago I gave birth to my beautiful daughter. Despite getting a midwife and trying to be very natural about our birth –none of that part of my desire was met. I signed up for all the classes, but in the end, I had a very long labor– over 48 hrs, followed by 5 hours of unproductive “pushing,” only to result in a C-section. This all came after a mostly wonderful pregnancy (I had prepared for the worst and hoped for the best).

Then before my water broke at week 37 and 6 days, I got sick for two weeks with a very persistent cold and a fever and tremendous head congestion, only to barely clear it in time for my water to break and to have a very long and arduous labor. Though there were moments of shamanic ceremony, and moments where I pushed and smiled, and claimed my power. There were “fleeting” moments among all those hours where I was in charge. This is something that I learned to do, and I applied it as best I could.

I DID give birth to a great love in my life, my daughter. I will not be sharing photos of her online because I consider our images to be private, especially hers. I did toy around with sharing an image of her that doesn’t have her face or any identifying features, and maybe that photo will come out and play one day.

The life path? I don’t know. I was on the road to finishing my degree in Traditional Chinese Medicine and becoming a licensed acupuncturist (just two more semesters and board exams). However, I got pregnant, and here I am, falling behind on that goal, feeling tragically remote from it, unable to appreciate all those other years of HARD work, that got me through each step. Forgetting so much of what I’ve learned and wondering if I even could pick it back up. Also I play among many paradigms and I am not the typical “alternative medicine” person. At all. I’m actually pretty conventional. At least I’ve become (aware that I am) that way while in school.

Do I want to return to school? I receive all the emails and see how the field is growing in leaps and bounds. Acupuncture can do a lot of good. Yet, I am not able to rise up and meet all the plans I had. I am just barely able to rise up to breastfeed — which is easily its own private story. I’m not even sure about my inspiration for finishing my degree.

Right now I am just so very grateful for the osteopathic physician who delivered my baby, for Western and modern medicine, and for people with open minds who are able to read and enjoy my life’s circuitous and often convoluted story, without judgement or agenda. Realize that it will all change.

I am also struggling. Every day.

Do I have joy? Absolutely I do. More joy than I’ve ever had.

Why do I have a blog? Why share this public ally? Why didn’t I wait to “get clear” before writing, and really “process” it?

I really cannot answer those questions. I want my world to be private, but there’s this small chance that maybe something I write lifts someone else up, they are less alone. Maybe that’s it… maybe that’s all of it. I hope that the people who need to read this, find me and do.

So there’s my joy *and* my sorrow.

I will return to focusing on the joys as best I can, and resolve this current challenge, while I keep meeting challenge after challenge, one by one, and posting my own style of poetry when the mood strikes me.

30 thoughts on “Tricky Life Path

  1. Thank you for being so honest and for sharing both your joy and your pain. You are not alone. We are each a mix of both, even if we try to hide one in favor of the other. On a personal note, I had a somewhat similar experience with the birth of my daughter, my first child. I had hoped for a more “natural” birth, but what I was given was over 40 hrs. of labor and a forceps delivery that felt like a horrific rape (sorry for the brutal honesty). Yet, in the end, all that really mattered was that I had a strong, healthy, and vibrantly beautiful soul in human form who had come into the world to be my daughter. Fifteen-and-a-half years later she is still one of my greatest and toughest teachers in my life and a truly beautiful gift. Sometimes the most difficult struggles yield the greatest gifts. Much love to you and your daughter, Ka ❤

  2. I feel the Joy and your frustrations Ka.. Balancing everything is not always possible in the order we want to put our priorities. A the Moment your Little Girl is Number one Priority and rightly so.. So sorry to hear you went through the Mill regarding giving birth Ka… And I can so appreciate you wish for Privacy..

    All things happen for reasons often best known only to themselves, and its not until much later we realise the whys and wherefores..

    I remember putting myself through Night college to learn the art of Massage Therapy, I was 45 at the time and did it to accompany my daughter who wanted to attend the course but not on her own.. So my poor brain went back into learning mode, to learn about the anatomy, the skeletal system, the glands, and organs, and skin, and a portfolio was built and an exam was passed, and I got my diploma to become fully qualified.. And I never did a thing with it..
    But it taught me I could meet a challenge, I could revise, I could memorise, and I enjoyed the experience of being with my daughter 😀 And I can give a great massage lol..

    Acupuncture is a wonderful therapy and I know just How much you must have to learn of the nervous system in that.. I have acupuncture every month to five weeks.. It helps me keep going of that I am certain. And have found a wonderful lady who now comes to visit me… We also share lots Spiritually too so its a win win exchange..

    Alternative and conventional medicine often run side by side..
    Don’t push yourself to make any decisions right now… Your body needs to heal, you need to regain your own balance and health, while taking care of your precious little girl.

    Life has many twists and turns, and remember, Nothing is ever lost.. So do not think your academic research and all you put into your course work is for nothing, its not.. Just take time out for you to breathe and BE…. and allow the FLOW of everything else to happen,…

    LOVE and well wishes dearest friend..
    Much love to you and your little family.. ❤

    1. Hi Sue!
      I remember you telling me about your massage classes! I’m glad we’ve been friends long enough that I can remember that 🙂 and it came up again. I find it endearing that you did this class with your daughter. I am so excited for the future in that way. Yes, writing this post was a good bit of relief for me. It’s a blessing to be able to have my baby here, and be able to make these sorts of decisions.

      You are right, I think, that nothing is ever lost. I do have to get my paperwork in, and so the time to think about it has been now. After I wrote this post, things started to ease up a bit, and I became more accepting for whatever comes next. Thank you for your kind and reassuring response and good, loving energy.

      I’m glad that you found an acupuncturist that you love working with. I feel that way about my chiropractor, who has made a home visit a possibility when I really needed it. I have a few different acupuncturists that I see for different reasons, some of them teachers. A number of my closer acupuncturist friends from school graduated last semester. Some returned to different states to practice. I have friends who also left school and returned after expanding their family, so it can be done.

      The school is shifting to integrative medicine. Paradigms are changing or consolidating. Business is happening. It’s changed so much in the few years I’ve been attending classes and interning there.

      Hopefully I am back in the flow now and back to the regular healing again.

      Thanks for your support,

  3. Thank you for your tender and kind response, Alethea! I had bought and read your book, Truth, before I was pregnant. It was so wonderful to read while on my journey, on a flight to Kauai, a special place. I was particularly touched by your clarity in your mothering experiences (especially while you were pregnant), and I found it very touching and real. Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone. I’m almost 40, and thankful my body has held up so far. I’m so sorry for your experience and I know a lot of women told me about their birth experiences and thought maybe I could “prevent” or “direct” certain outcomes with the right education. So, I did my best. What does really matter is the beautiful being that is born. Thank you for your love and consideration!

  4. congratulations on your sweet baby girl ❤ life's twists and turns can seem surprising, but there is unexpected sweetness with each twist and turn too. thank you for sharing your journey, as i do believe as you stated at the end, it can be very supportive for others in ways we can't imagine. and sometimes just releasing the need to understand why, allows energy to move as is needed and will be the momentum forward. much love and blessings to you and your daughter ❤ i hope you feel better soon.

    1. Tania! Very appreciative of your gentle energy and your happy congratulations! Life’s twists and turns are surprising and it keeps things very interesting! Yes, writing this post allowed energy to move in ways I didn’t expect, and it was a good release and way to connect. I definitely hope people receive from me and my writings. That would mean very much to me as an artist and a contributor to the whole. 💗 Thank you

  5. Thank you for sharing more of you here Ka, including your joys and challenges. You seem to be a very loving conscious person. Congrats on the birth of your daughter. May your love grow. I’m sure parenting will teach you much and may lead you to the next step.

    I’ve had similar reasons for sharing mostly positive things on my blog, but ultimately I’ve found more peace in sharing the full and authentic picture without belaboring the challenges. Vulnerability has been a beautiful door to deeper connections with myself and my readers.

    Hugs and blessings to you and yours. ❤

    1. Brad,
      Thank you for your good wishes and kind thoughts. They are so well-received, and I so appreciate all your support here. We are delighted by the new experiences we encounter every day with our little one, and the adventure continues! May you have a wonderful rest of your weekend, friend. All of life hangs in balance, as we live through the movements of growth and change, development and opening perception, and surrendering what parts of us we can, to that greater vision… maybe that’s vulnerability or authenticity or both, but it’s sure nice when we can all meet each other with our humanity and our essence.

  6. Ka, the very best to you AND congrats, congrats. You have no idea how much I admire you for everything you have written here. We all carry crosses in life and you are so right that you don’t want to shove them in other people’s faces. I mean I know people like that–and frankly you want to smack them one with it! But seriously, those I admire are those like yourself, who yet knows when to share and inspire with it xxxxxxxxxxxxx

    1. Thank you Shey, so much! You are treasured here. Thank you for your support. I love how you speak so frankly, and you know in general how much I appreciate and ADMIRE your creativity and expression — all of your “you-ness” through your many talents and characters. You lighten me, make me laugh, and also speak straight to the bottom-line on most anything!

      . Love ya 💗Ka

  7. I agree with Sue about not pushing yourself to decide about school. No one can ever take away what you’ve learned, and I imagine you can always go back to it later if you choose. Our priorities change and change again. I’ve been wanting to get back to art and writing books, but moving things from my parents’ house and other family needs have taken priority. I know I’ll get back into creating when the time is right. Enjoy this time with your new love. Someone told me after the birth of my second child, “The days are long, but the years are short.” Take care of you, too. I’m sending hugs, prayers and blessings to you and your family. ❤

    1. Hi JoAnna,
      I’ve got all this wisdom and great herbs and foods to restore my body. I have support from my wonderful husband and friends who give me loving space and send good wishes. I couldn’t be happier that I am on the other side of that process for now, and I am recovering really well again. Yes, I hear you on priorities changing! My life has had a lot of fluctuation like that and I certainly already put a lot of time and resources into my training. This is all part of it., deepening me. You are quite right , as is Sue, when saying that “nothing is ever lost.”

      You’ll definitely be returning to art! Me too. I’m going to do fun stuff with my daughter and see art through new lenses again. I enjoy reading about your life with your sifting through and working on your parent’s house and all the tenderness of your process of moving through those transitions, and how such transitions have manifested physically in the houses, and the updates, and the travel. Glad to share the journeys and different timelines and memories that are evoked!

      My forever friend since childhood also said the same thing to me as she heard it, and found it was true, “the days are long but the years are short,” when she became a mother.

      Time has moved so much faster since my daughter was born!

      Thank you for your support! 💗 Ka

      1. Your plan to do fun stuff/art with your daughter inspires me to do that with my granddaughter. I think she could help me let go. I’m glad you’ve enjoyed reading about me working through my parents’ house. I was wondering if I was writing too much about that. I have one more post coming about saying goodbye to the house which happened on Monday. I appreciate your support, too, Ka. Here’s to deepening and letting go! 🙂 ❤

      2. Yay! Your entire comment about art with your granddaughter and “deepening and letting go” is exciting to me! Thank you, also, for keeping me up to date 🙂💚 looking for your post! So glad to connect with you, JoAnna. I love it all 🙂

  8. makes me most happy
    knowing of this wondrous birth
    of daughter and mother, Ka!
    wishing you joy in the role
    and support when needed.
    i admire your openness
    about the well being and not-so well being.
    it’s easy to forget our humanity
    in these digital, data mining, password
    protected modern times.
    thank you for being a role model
    simply being yourself 🙂

    1. Your happy heart shines on me now!

      Thank you, David, Smilecalm…. I feel like my message was really received, and your kindness met my openness and vulnerability.

      Thank you for seeing me.

      Wishing you the best joy days in all the ways you shine on us with your contented beingness 💗 and blessings for our birth.

  9. My first childbirth experience sound very similar to yours~ trouble-free pregnancy, midwife, labor for over 24 hours, rush to hospital for c-section. It’s traumatic, and it takes time to heal emotionally and physically. Give yourself LOTS of time and care. Big hugs, XO

    1. Thank you for sharing, Kristen! Your boys have also been such an inspiration in your life, and so I love that your story continues as it does. I hope the second labor and delivery was easier. I often hear that the second is much easier!
      I’m feeling grateful that I have all the things that I need to care for myself during my time now… and so glad to be on the other side, as I reflect. Hugs back! Grateful, thank you my friend!

      1. You sound good and that makes me happy. My second childbirth experience was better b/c we went directly to the hospital that time, as it was considered higher risk due to the first emergency C-section. I still ended up with another emergency C-section though, after his heart beat started to decline in labor. Grateful to be on the other side as well and each year with the boys seriously gets better and better, even now when they are both teenagers. You have so much light and love ahead of you!!

  10. Hi Ka,
    Thanks for sharing where you are and who you are at this very moment. As you know, life is complex, full of surprises, paradoxes, and contradictions. I would guess you have already benefited from your share. 😉

    I was raised that it is fine to complain, and I use my writing to express myself, especially since I work hard helping others with their concerns, needs, etc.
    Know you are loved and supported. ❤

    1. Hi Linda,
      It’s so ironic because my friends pegged me for a psychologist in middle school and high school. That was basically my job then; that, and art 🖼! I enjoy your unique perspective! Thank you for letting me know that I am loved and supported! Sending you lots of this joy and gratitude that I feel for having such good company in my journeys, wherever I roam or circle ⭕️ or spiral… along with all of us 💗🌞🌎

      1. PS, I meant to say that others would benefit by your share, not you would benefit, but I hope you and me and all will benefit! I also hope you feel better soon ❤

  11. Struggling, pain, fevers… messages from our body to question our current course, adapt, making changes, heal. Good to share. Life has joy and sorrow, and questions. – Oscar

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