I’ve been fighting off a borderline fever for the past couple of days. Rarely do I write about my hardship publicly; mostly because I believe I have really good fortune, and don’t feel like I have legitimacy to complain. Complaining has been drilled into me as a bad thing. Venting is okay in small amounts, certainly don’t want to turn people away from us. So many of us tire from our own suffering, we tire of sharing it.
One of the reasons why I created Fiestaestrellas (including the astrology bit) was to celebrate all the good. So I could make it bigger in my life, and stronger than what gets me down.
That’s the truth, and yet, people are at a distance and we feel stifled when our reality is not accurately portrayed. Then we just go on and on sharing, and attempting to balance and express until it’s so obvious it’s beyond words and maybe we relax into it a bit more.
I’ve had a lot of joy lately. (Jupiter transits have always given me a mixed bag of plenty).
But it has come with a decent amount of hardship.
A couple of weeks ago I gave birth to my beautiful daughter. Despite getting a midwife and trying to be very natural about our birth –none of that part of my desire was met. I signed up for all the classes, but in the end, I had a very long labor– over 48 hrs, followed by 5 hours of unproductive “pushing,” only to result in a C-section. This all came after a mostly wonderful pregnancy (I had prepared for the worst and hoped for the best).
Then before my water broke at week 37 and 6 days, I got sick for two weeks with a very persistent cold and a fever and tremendous head congestion, only to barely clear it in time for my water to break and to have a very long and arduous labor. Though there were moments of shamanic ceremony, and moments where I pushed and smiled, and claimed my power. There were “fleeting” moments among all those hours where I was in charge. This is something that I learned to do, and I applied it as best I could.
I DID give birth to a great love in my life, my daughter. I will not be sharing photos of her online because I consider our images to be private, especially hers. I did toy around with sharing an image of her that doesn’t have her face or any identifying features, and maybe that photo will come out and play one day.
The life path? I don’t know. I was on the road to finishing my degree in Traditional Chinese Medicine and becoming a licensed acupuncturist (just two more semesters and board exams). However, I got pregnant, and here I am, falling behind on that goal, feeling tragically remote from it, unable to appreciate all those other years of HARD work, that got me through each step. Forgetting so much of what I’ve learned and wondering if I even could pick it back up. Also I play among many paradigms and I am not the typical “alternative medicine” person. At all. I’m actually pretty conventional. At least I’ve become (aware that I am) that way while in school.
Do I want to return to school? I receive all the emails and see how the field is growing in leaps and bounds. Acupuncture can do a lot of good. Yet, I am not able to rise up and meet all the plans I had. I am just barely able to rise up to breastfeed — which is easily its own private story. I’m not even sure about my inspiration for finishing my degree.
Right now I am just so very grateful for the osteopathic physician who delivered my baby, for Western and modern medicine, and for people with open minds who are able to read and enjoy my life’s circuitous and often convoluted story, without judgement or agenda. Realize that it will all change.
I am also struggling. Every day.
Do I have joy? Absolutely I do. More joy than I’ve ever had.
Why do I have a blog? Why share this public ally? Why didn’t I wait to “get clear” before writing, and really “process” it?
I really cannot answer those questions. I want my world to be private, but there’s this small chance that maybe something I write lifts someone else up, they are less alone. Maybe that’s it… maybe that’s all of it. I hope that the people who need to read this, find me and do.
So there’s my joy *and* my sorrow.
I will return to focusing on the joys as best I can, and resolve this current challenge, while I keep meeting challenge after challenge, one by one, and posting my own style of poetry when the mood strikes me.