I didn’t feel like posting yesterday. I could have put in the extra effort at the end of tired day, and got it in at the end of the day, but I thought: I’m not gonna push. I’m okay with non-perfection. Pushing is something I only do when I am inspired. Otherwise, there’s a whole lot of self-love and nurturing that is okay to address, because obviously I need it. I need inspiration. I can only push, when I have love behind me, when I know that I am a being of love, and sometimes that most certainly is in the form of a push. Other times love is “let it go, just stop.” It can be any of these things, or even a combination.
Yesterday was my second day at a conference where I volunteered, and I got to enjoy some Qi Gong the first day. I only made it to one lecture yesterday but I wasn’t stimulated by it, except to start getting involved in martial arts again. Nearly everyone I speak to who is old school and a leader in the field says where you really learn what you need to learn, you learn through martial arts training, or that that’s where they learned, not in school.
While I was visiting the exhibits I had a couple of times where I noticed myself only being spoken to by the vendors based by the “status” of my badge. Actually I didn’t have a badge because I didn’t need it this time. This was the second day and I got a two day pass for volunteering plus a free pass for being a student.
Now I know every field has big shots. That’s fine, I guess, but I’m tired of starting a conversation with someone only to be ignored the second someone that that person considers is more important walks by and engages them. This happens far too much to me. So, being a particular “nobody” we tend to just accept that that person doesn’t want to miss the opportunity to speak to someone special – or as he said, “a pillar in the field,” or at least someone who is a celebrity teacher.
Okay, no problem. Normally I try to focus on what’s good, where connections DO happen, but I’m running out of patience in my 6 year process for things to click in a more meaningful way. The heart of it has gone dry so many times and I’ve never spoken of it until now. I have a no-obligations consultation today with a communications specialist and business coach, and I do hope that it helps. I’m running out of steam, inspiration. What I am experiencing, there’s no way I am the only one – even if only in this context, at any other given point in time, there’s no way I’m alone.
From my perspective, there are tons of practitioner celebrities out there with tons of people who adore them, and supposedly they have great results, but I’m skeptical — and they are all over social media, and I’m just sick of this cult culture. I have no desire to become an expert. I’m sure so many of them are well-earned, or naturally talented/gifted/blessed/and self taught. I’m glad for so many of them and even more-so for the people they help.
Fortunately I was able to spend my time with loved ones and grab some nice photos.
So many years I didn’t speak my mind for fear of being perceived as being negative, and I keep taking responsibility for how I am contributing to my perspective, but I’m tired of the lack of resonance, and I’m calling for more inspiration.
This tiny cactus is alive and does not have a social media account or a social status. I’m a little bit grateful that this cactus’ voice can’t or hasn’t been channeled by someone and turned into a money making machine. Because this cactus IS PRESENCE. It’s not a metaphor. It lives and exists, and that is all.
The irony for me what that I picked up this Dove chocolate at the conference and it said, “Don’t stop until you are proud.” What was perhaps really funny to me was that the foil broke in such a way that it makes it difficult to read. When I was young, my understanding was that pride was bad – and I think pride was just misunderstood. I think pride is still misunderstood. I want to know what it’s like to have pride. I am opening my investigation into how it’s okay to have pride, and how it’s okay to speak my mind and not care whether or not someone is going to judge me. There’s this great thing in Access Consciousness from Gary Douglas where he said something like you get $7, 000 for every time you are willing to allow yourself to be judged. I’m curious about that. I’m not curious about the money so much, but also I am. I need to earn a reliable income. I’m curious about what it means to not judge or be judged, or to be judged, and be perfectly alright with it. To be misunderstood, and be perfectly alright with it.
Also when I was out walking and I saw this statue of this mermaid, and I wasn’t sure how exactly she “fit into” my day. There’s something about the way the photograph got taken. I took it, but there was an interesting energetic quality the moment I took it. I”m still trying to understand that. It’s as if there is an unintended rainbow near her face. I like the expression on her face. What does it say?
I think it’s contentment. Yes, contentment.
16 thoughts on “More inspiration needed; and contentment”
It sounds like you have some things to sort out Ka. I’m glad you could come away with contentment in the end.
Thank you for taking the time to read, Brad! I don’t know if there’s an end to the endless process, but I am sure there is more peace available.
I’m glad you included the photo of the foil cos I saw Don’t stop until you’re loud 😉
Interesting thing, the foil originally said, “Don’t stop until you are proud.” But after I handled it a little —it broke apart into what you see, and I agree, “Don’t stop until you are loud.”
The very important thing here is that the chocolate was very tasty 😋
I am incredibly grateful for your comment – it unified my day that was yesterday. I feel lighter. I see now that it was all supposed to happen that way.
It was great to read, good to make sense of/reflect on your day. And I love your chocolate comment 🙂
Thank you 🙂
I’m looking forward to read more from you!
I am happy you were feeling better n the end, or at least by the end of the post.
I love the mermaid.
Hope this week is a good one for you.
Thanks for reading, Andrew!
Do you prefer Drew or Andrew? Or what do you want to be called? Lonely Author? LA?
The very pretty and chiseled mermaid 🧜🏻♀️ was a nice find as the day wore on…
May you have a good week ahead as well 🙂
I love the mermaid photo, you’re right– it has such an energy to it. The light, the angle, everything. 🙂
💖 Thank you for seeing that! 🙂
Sometimes those days when we don’t feel like posting are the best when you realize you had so much to say!
I love your honesty in looking at these issues. It’s a big deal to “talk” about these kinds of questions and doubts in a forum like this and I’m honored to read them.
Very grateful for your kind reply, Leigh. I’m working on a lot, and language is not always available to me. Putting my thoughts into words and experiences into thoughts, and sharing my perceptions into written spaces is still a unique challenge for me.
I love the cactus and what you say about it. It’s not a metaphor. None of us are. Our presence is enough. That is very comforting to me right now. Thank you for that.
Your reply is very reassuring to me! That you received what I was putting out there…
I’m glad you were comforted, that’s the goal. Thank you 🙂💗
I resonated with this entire post. I don’t know what kind of conference you were attending, but I have felt this way at herbal things for sure. And social media is insane and out of hand in its ubiquitous-ness. At least the cactus is free indeed :0).