Painful life reflection

My situation has gotten worse the past few weeks after a short period (2-3 weeks of freedom from pain) but I still managed to pass my last licensing exam even after the pain returns. I did all 5 (in total) so I could be licensed in any state. Sitting for that last board exam, though, that in itself was a miracle.

But at this point, I’m more or less confined to mostly my bed, due to pain. The smallest amount I do causes me to become disabled in pain. It seems I am unable to be picking up my toddler anymore. She’s too young for me to feel okay with this. All the ways forward don’t have the best known results. All the procedures and treatments beyond the conservative ones which I’ve used for the past decade, all have consequences. I spend time in meditation and prayer for the best guidance and to have the best support. I have been a cheerleader for natural and non-pharma medicine but I am greatly disappointed with my outcome with using all medicines (including Western) I can find on the planet, including the one of my own inner guidance. I have surrendered, asked for complete assistance, but I don’t know how long I will be waiting to “find a reason for all this.” On the pain forums I’m on, I truly see many people in purposeless suffering. It’s sad. I’m one of them. I’m suffering. I’ve lost so much of my life to this “my” version of degenerative disc disease with painful herniation/protrusions and painful spinal nerves.

The truth is I feel unsupported, unappreciated and abandoned. I feel isolated and depressed often. I can’t even imagine ever hiking again or being able to take my daughter to the park by myself let alone if I were to be there only briefly with others. It feels like with these back problems I am guaranteed to miss out on enormous aspects of her life; those that would bring special joy.

My daughter needs me now more than ever and so much falls on my husband to do. Our house isn’t getting cleaned or organized as I would do. My life feels so chaotically stolen from me. The bright moments are all shadowed with this looming reality of debility. We have no supports, friends or family nearby. My in-laws just visited briefly. We are all aging. Everyone has some planned surgery. As an older mom, the possibility of these horrific circumstances do exist, and I’m living it. I’ve been fighting for nearly a decade to have the best quality of life for myself and for others and there were times I was winning. I have seen shamans and done so many healing techniques under the sun. I have prayed regularly with silent Unity. But, I’m not—right now—overcoming.

This is suffering. I know very well what it’s like. And, I’m still young.

I’m writing this so I can be less alone, less invisible, less burdened.

My birthday is this Saturday and it will be another quiet one. 41 years old. I will likely be crying as I have for many of my recent days.

38 thoughts on “Painful life reflection

  1. I’m very sorry to know how much you are suffering Ka. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing more about your condition and challenges. I hope you find a source of support, relief, healing, and/or surrender. 🙏

      1. Thank you, Alethea. We are working on reaching out more and getting the sense for being surrounded by more people who are willing and want to help. Some co-workers of my husband are showing interest. It’s been a long road already, and still working at it.

  2. I have been thinking of you dear Ka. Your sharing is truly brave and vulnerable. I totally hear you, all your feelings are valid. It does sound like a very difficult phase of life. I pray earnestly that you find resolution, recovery and healing to the fullest and soon. You have sincerely used all resources available with dedication. You deserve the best. Congratulations on completing the license exams despite all the hardship. Lots of love to your family and blessings to your daughter.

    1. Thank you for seeing me (us). Thank you for your support and your authenticity. I have so much love for you. 💗💗💗 I appreciate each word you have written here. I am holding on to this kindness from you, and I am telling myself “you are supported, you are seen.” I hope this reaches others who need it, too. Much love your way, Pragalbha 💖

      1. Indeed, she is our mother. 💗 When engulfed in pain, this awareness is still there, yet there’s a thread of authenticity in expressing the hopelessness that is also evident. I have the desire to reach out and speak—open my mouth about my dueling reality, the experience of devastation. These are the moments our ego would like to gloss over and hurry up and get beyond. I have no idea why I have had so much pain for so long, accompanied by deep emotions purging on its shores. so I surrender. I surrender and I surrender, and see what comes next. Thank you, dear. Xo

      2. You have all the right to express your pain, your feeling of despair even, as a Child of Mother, she sees you cry and cries with you. She wants you to speak your heart out, she hears you. Invites you to curl up in her lap. These are indeed waves of deeper emotions asking for all your endurance, Mother wants you to know you have it in you 🙏🏼❣️💛 Your chant of surrender is such sweet gift to witness. I am with you in Prayer with all my heart.

  3. I’m so sorry to read this. Your situation reminds me of a movie I watch on Netflix just last night, Penguin Bloom, it was based on a true story, uplifting and inspiring! I do pray for your recovery and returned happiness.🙏

  4. Oh I’m so sorry and I so understand! My husband had a career ending back injury 11 years ago. He had 3 levels fused with zero pain relief. His surgeon was orthopedic….we should have gone with a neurosurgeon! Orthopedic docs should not be allowed to do backs!
    He has an implanted pain stimulator that helps with leg pain but not back pain. We find out 8/20 if he’s a candidate for the new/better stimulator. The pain challenge makes no sense to me and I’ve meditated on it for years!!!! I’m truly sorry Ka! We all deserve better!!!!
    Sending love and light and wishing you a beautiful birthday 🌺💜🌺

    1. Thank you, Dina!! I had some peace on my birthday. I’m so sorry for what your husband has been going through. I’ll be thinking of him on the 20th, hoping for the very best outcome for him. Sending lots of love back. I so appreciate your good wishes for me and for my birthday 🥳

  5. You may want to research neuro stimulators for back pain. Medtronics is the leading manufacturer. My husband’s pain doc says the newest one is much better for back pain. I’m happy to answer any questions if I know the answer…if you’re interested in knowing more 💜

    1. Thanks Dinah, I appreciate that.
      I’ve done a lot of my own research, and I’m at a different stage and process than your husband. Also I’ve heard of success from people with orthopedic surgeons as well, unlike your unfortunate scenario. I am aware of the difference between neuro and orthopedic surgeons and many different arguments and opinions. I will reach out if I have questions. I appreciate it.

      I was doing well before my pregnancy, during, and after it. I have a good track record with having managed through a lot of it. I value the acupuncture, exercises, yoga, stretches, ESTIM and many many processes. Again, I will be hoping for the best for your husband, and for myself.

  6. Ka, this makes me want to cry. I don’t know the answer. All I can say is that I’ve got a herniated disc and a bulging disc and most days I don’t feel any pain, but there have been days when I could barely move. You have to get to the root (see what I did there?) of it so you can push it offshore. Is it money (first chakra)? Family burdens or guilt (middle back)? Feeling of not being supported as you said (upper back)? Have you read any Louise Hay, Wayne Dyer or Deepak Chopra? We are such complicated human beings so I know it’s not so easy to cure these longstanding things. Have you tried to figure out if you are of two minds about it? That could be part of the problem. Wishing you a freeing experience and the vision to break free of it all. xoxo

    1. Pam, I appreciate your sympathy and your empathy. I’m glad that many days you don’t feel any pain. I’m sorry you have those other days. Mine was at times like that, but my situation has worsened. Yes I have explored all the spiritual and Chakra things you’ve mentioned, for years (decade at least), Louise Hay, and all. When this initially happened to me it was light night and day. My old life was taken from me over night. Ironically the lack of support feeling has grown over time. Human beings are complex, I agree. I am of two-minds about many things. I do so appreciate your caring, good intentions, and loving energy with your comment. 🤗

      1. Do you have a dog 🐕 Ka? It’s hard to beat their unconditional love and it could help with the feeling of a lack of support. Also maybe read some Ram Dass, “Be Here Now”? I’ve always been struck by the thought that while you are focusing on your breath you are pain and disease free. Also, maybe the feeling of not being supported comes from too many people depending on you. Any way to step back even a baby step from your responsibilities? Sending you love and support across the ethers.♥️

      2. Interesting thoughts and questions, Pam! Thank you for caring. I’ve been feeling Ram Dass “Fierce grace“ for a bit here and there, but ive just been on so much of a Matt Kahn kick these days that all i want is Matt Kahn…and “Love whatever arises.“
        Wishing you a supportive feeling and peaceful day. xo

  7. I’m very sorry you have had to go through this. Thank you for sharing your pain and frustration with us. I hope you get more support and better days ahead. Sending light and love.

  8. My beautiful friend ❤ I am so sorry you are in the middle of this horrible pain…I truly hope as I move forward through your posts that you are feeling much better now. I never really understand the need for physical pain such as the kind you are going through. I know the downward spiral too well. I know how it appears to start in the body and then the mind soon follows and you become a depressed shell of who you used to be. I wish I had a magic answer for you…but you would know that it was not true. I can only say to you, things that I KNOW you ALREADY KNOW…that everything is connected. And you WILL find the way out to the other side but only if you incorporate body, mind, soul, and spirit!
    I have had my share, as you know. At this moment I feel compelled to tell you MIND came in my heart.
    I will read on…and truly hope that you have at least started the journey to the other end…through the pain…and back into your life ❤ ❤

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