I didn’t feel like posting yesterday. I could have put in the extra effort at the end of tired day, and got it in at the end of the day, but I thought: I’m not gonna push. I’m okay with non-perfection. Pushing is something I only do when I am inspired. Otherwise, there’s a whole lot of self-love and nurturing that is okay to address, because obviously I need it. I need inspiration. I can only push, when I have love behind me, when I know that I am a being of love, and sometimes that most certainly is in the form of a push. Other times love is “let it go, just stop.” It can be any of these things, or even a combination.

Yesterday was my second day at a conference where I volunteered, and I got to enjoy some Qi Gong the first day. I only made it to one lecture yesterday but I wasn’t stimulated by it, except to start getting involved in martial arts again. Nearly everyone I speak to who is old school and a leader in the field says where you really learn what you need to learn, you learn through martial arts training, or that that’s where they learned, not in school.

While I was visiting the exhibits I had a couple of times where I noticed myself only being spoken to by the vendors based by the “status” of my badge. Actually I didn’t have a badge because I didn’t need it this time. This was the second day and I got a two day pass for volunteering plus a free pass for being a student.

Now I know every field has big shots. That’s fine, I guess, but I’m tired of starting a conversation with someone only to be ignored the second someone that that person considers is more important walks by and engages them. This happens far too much to me. So, being a particular “nobody” we tend to just accept that that person doesn’t want to miss the opportunity to speak to someone special – or as he said, “a pillar in the field,” or at least someone who is a celebrity teacher.

Hmmm…

Okay, no problem. Normally I try to focus on what’s good, where connections DO happen, but I’m running out of patience in my 6 year process for things to click in a more meaningful way. The heart of it has gone dry so many times and I’ve never spoken of it until now. I have a no-obligations consultation today with a communications specialist and business coach, and I do hope that it helps. I’m running out of steam, inspiration. What I am experiencing, there’s no way I am the only one – even if only in this context, at any other given point in time, there’s no way I’m alone.

From my perspective, there are tons of practitioner celebrities out there with tons of people who adore them, and supposedly they have great results, but I’m skeptical — and they are all over social media, and I’m just sick of this cult culture. I have no desire to become an expert. I’m sure so many of them are well-earned, or naturally talented/gifted/blessed/and self taught. I’m glad for so many of them and even more-so for the people they help.

Fortunately I was able to spend my time with loved ones and grab some nice photos.

So many years I didn’t speak my mind for fear of being perceived as being negative, and I keep taking responsibility for how I am contributing to my perspective, but I’m tired of the lack of resonance, and I’m calling for more inspiration.

This tiny cactus is alive and does not have a social media account or a social status. I’m a little bit grateful that this cactus’ voice can’t or hasn’t been channeled by someone and turned into a money making machine. Because this cactus IS PRESENCE. It’s not a metaphor. It lives and exists, and that is all.

The irony for me what that I picked up this Dove chocolate at the conference and it said, “Don’t stop until you are proud.” What was perhaps really funny to me was that the foil broke in such a way that it makes it difficult to read. When I was young, my understanding was that pride was bad –  and I think pride was just misunderstood. I think pride is still misunderstood. I want to know what it’s like to have pride. I am opening my investigation into how it’s okay to have pride, and how it’s okay to speak my mind and not care whether or not someone is going to judge me.  There’s this great thing in Access Consciousness from Gary Douglas where he said something like you get $7, 000 for every time you are willing to allow yourself to be judged. I’m curious about that. I’m not curious about the money so much, but also I am. I need to earn a reliable income. I’m curious about what it means to not judge or be judged, or to be judged, and be perfectly alright with it. To be misunderstood, and be perfectly alright with it.

Also when I was out walking and I saw this statue of this mermaid, and I wasn’t sure how exactly she “fit into” my day. There’s something about the way the photograph got taken. I took it, but there was an interesting energetic quality the moment I took it. I”m still trying to understand that. It’s as if there is an unintended rainbow near her face. I like the expression on her face. What does it say?

I think it’s contentment. Yes, contentment.

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