Feeling authentically with chronic pain

In the beginning of the year I wrote a blog post titled the beginning of healing. In a personal sense, this was more prophetic than I knew. I sensed a deep river running through me ready to perhaps “cleanse me” and wash over me on a more subterranean level. Yet I’m not ready to define “what this is” on that deeper level, spiritual level. Maybe I sensed that quite a bit had been stirred up inside of me during the insanity of the pandemic and politics and thus readying me for more healing and feeling. Maybe I had just been through so much just having a baby and transforming into a mother.

Three months after having her, I completed most of my National Board exams before graduating.

I then finished my Master’s Program by December and the remaining National Board exam, but now have been stopped short of my goal to get licensed in my own state because of the need to sit for a 5 hour exam when I cannot due to pain and further causing injury to my spine. I put so much effort into my program and made much progress with my own health (so it seemed) only to be stopped short for a time. I can eventually take my state’s board exam, maybe, if I get well enough to. Sure I could move to a different state but we have other roots here as a family, and so I feel attached. Better to stick with the career roots my husband has built. Also, it’s home to my alma mater and I’d prefer to stay close by hoping for more opportunities that way. But not if I’m not well!!

I can barely take care of my family, and it being “just us” and literally no one else living in the same state, there’s no one to really turn to for a helping hand. We need to hire help.

Plus, my health has been the worst money pit.

Friends, I’m still in the thick of it, having some better days mixed with suffering days. However what seems to be emerging is this sense of connectedness with my closest friends, who still happen to live far. I don’t feel as lonely as I did a month or two ago, at least, not today.

I also really want to be in touch with people who have had or are experiencing chronic pain, and making the best of it. I absolutely know I am not alone. The whole reason I am walking my path is because I am authentically me. I am free to be myself, and learning every day how to show up for myself and love and bring healing to all the aspects of my consciousness. Some part of me does trust that this is a process unfolding within me, that I will get past it, and my life will move on! But for now, I’m in a really challenging & painful holding pattern.

Authentically yours,

Ka

42 thoughts on “Feeling authentically with chronic pain

  1. My lovely Ka, I am so sorry.O know you will turn this into a learning experience ..in the best way. I see that here. That is YOU. I wish we lived closer and I could be like the friends you mention xxxxx

      1. I want you to know what a difference you have made in my world. I got through this particularly rough period and this hurdle with your love and support. You are just so cool, too. I adore you and am just filled to the brim with gratitude for your presence in my life and everyone who put their concerns and hope out for me. You believed in me, and you were right! Thank you, Shay!! Love you! I am still turning this into a learning experience but the tides have changed, and my improvement due to intense spinal decompression therapy and PRP injections and lots of working out of my core with my warrior training friend, has truly helped. The moral support given helped me to find ways to get my needs met. You are incredible and never forget that!!

  2. Ka, what a difficult challenge. I would hope that the board could make an exception in your case and allow you to take the exam in smaller increments. That doesn’t seem fair. Five hours is a long time for anyone, let alone someone in chronic pain. I’m sorry you are facing what seems like an insurmountable hurdle. I hope you are also able to find help at home. xoxo

  3. Hi Ka
    I self published a book about dealing with disabilities and health challenges. I’d love to send you a copy free…friend to friend. Just send me your address either on Facebook Messenger or through Ra and I’ll pop one in the mail.
    You are not alone on this journey 💜

    1. Dinah,
      You are a true gem. I feel so glad to have met you on this journey. I made it to the other end of this hurdle and I did it with your support and kindness. I truly have so much gratitude for walking side-by-side in this challenge that many people do not understand, but you have understood with your own family and loved ones. I pray that he is well and thank you ever so much! I have not been around as much in blogging but I am ‘here,’ always! You can always reach out to me for support.

      1. And I am grateful for you as well! You are a kind and gentle sister on this path… And I’m grateful to know you! Whether near or far, let’s always keep in touch

  4. I admire your attitude toward your challenge with chronic pain and healing Ka. I’m sorry it has been so hard for you and your family. May you find your way through it and hopefully to healing. 🙏

    1. Words could not have adequately expressed it at the time, but Brad your words and positive, uplifting energy truly made a difference in my world. I am beyond grateful for getting over this particular challenge. Thank you so much for contributing your grace in my direction. It truly helped.

  5. Janet Weight Reed

    Dear Ka, – you are experiencing a difficult and challenging moment in your life. Becoming a new mother is a big one on its own, and to be dealing with chronic pain at the same time is really huge.

    I would suggest you be very kind and gentle to yourself with the knowledge that eventually this will pass….and in the meantime you will learn so much about yourself and the world around you.

    Let’s hope that the States start to learn from other health systems around the world – and they take money out of the equation. This alone would release people from worry because worry makes us sick.

    Sending love
    Janet xx

    1. Janet. Your comment fed me when I was feeling weak. The truth has revealed that you were ever so correct that this moment has passed. I survived and I thrived beyond it. Words could not have expressed at the time how much your comment meant to me. The self-kindness unfolding. The feeling of being heard and seen and “held.” I am ever so grateful for your friendship. 💗

  6. My heart is with you as always dear friend Ka. It is difficult to deal with so much truly. I pray and trust for you to find your way on the other side of these trying times. I admire your authentic sharing, may that create a lot of space and energy for endurance and healing. Much Love & Hugs to you and your beautiful family.

    1. Dear Pragalbha,
      You have made all the difference for me! I am reflecting now, a year later—I had overcame that hurdle and even started to thrive again. I am now in a new chapter of expansion. The abundance of life has often been a tricky thing for me: my little self thinking it needs to “manage it” 😂
      Right now I am giving myself a time out. Your prayers and trust are not taken for granted. I am so grateful, and at the time, words could not have expressed the deep appreciation and gratitude I had and *have* for your comment. Wishing you so many blessings, so much love, and it’s a treasure to know you! 💗

  7. thank you for sharing your authentic journey Ka. i know many people experience similar challenges with chronic pain and like i do you, i admire them all. you are incredibly brave and amazing for all you have accomplished. sending love and peace to your heart ❤

    1. Tania —thank you—-
      Your kindness in your sweet comment filled me up when I was weak. You helped me see my bravery and my accomplishments despite great challenges. I have once again managed with several disc decompressions 3x a week plus acupuncture, chiro and PRP treatments, to live a full life again for a few months. I am only now just having to rest. The peace in my heart is definitely the true goal here. I want to share that peace with everyone. I love you. Thank you! Btw, we could not have imagined how much my daughter could embody “the bunny” and love her bunny as much as she has since she was born! She loves to “hop hop hop.” Hugs to your bunnies, too! Thank you! 💗

  8. Things aren’t nearly as bad for me now as they were for years, but I sure know the path of long-term health problems (chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia for me). So stuff. Sending good thoughts for improvements that let you sit for your exam.

    1. Leigh, thank you so much! Your comment and support and coming from someone who has also struggled with such challenges (that improved) has been a really boon for me. I overcame that hurdle and was able to sit for my exam last year and pass it!! I actually am doing internships this next term at UCSD and Rady’s and I have a big house move coming up. I hope to start my small practice at home next year. So right now, I am trying to rest to prepare for what’s to come. May you always have those good thoughts coming your way! 💗 I so appreciate it. It took 3x a week of spinal decompression and PRP injections, acupuncture (been on-going) and specialized core training, but I improved.

  9. wanderingmattlarson

    I can relate to the battle with pain while raising your immediate family in a state away from any other family. It’s a challenge but keep fighting, you can do it!

  10. I am thinking of you, Ka! So sorry to hear of your health challenges and impacts on the family. I sense a determination in you and I want you to know that I’m encouraging you to keep going when you feel like it’s too much… xxoo

  11. Hello Ka,

    My wife has had chronic challenges over the years with Lyme Disease. I think it’s going on 15 years now. I so understand this, at least from what I’ve witnessed with her. I cannot speak to what these paths offer or reveal ultimately, but I can say that there are some beautiful people walking them. You’re accomplishing so much, Ka. I marvel at it all, and did not realize you were carrying these health challenges to boot. I guess not to this extent. You’ve achieved so much!

    I know you will discover the freedom and creative power you desire on this journey, and send my support to help lift you along the way.

    Many blessings, my friend!
    Michael

    1. Michael,
      I have been thinking of you. Usually I know, inside, that you are posting. Lol. I have not been able to make it to your blog for quite some time. I am just not having the same amount of time with my toddler and I’m trying to finish my doctorate by December and get my practice set up by next year. This is GOOD NEWS. I turned an incredible corner with intensive spinal decompression treatments 3x a week and PRP injections. I have had a good set of months and only now need to rest, on Easter. My kiddo is out with her dad and we are planning a big move soon into our new house. I need to shore up my energy and turn inward. In this inward gaze is my reflection. Words could not have expressed at the time what your comment and loving energy has meant to me. Your friendship has been so special to me. I am so grateful, Michael. Thank you so much for being you. Thank you so much for being here for me at this time in my life. I overcame that hurdle and I thrived. Now I am expanding, and who knows what’s ahead?! Truly, thank you Michael. Sending lots of love to you and your wife! I pray for her on-going support! 💗

      1. Thank you for this, Ka. It was so nice to hear from you and I’m glad things are going well for you! Chronic challenges can be a huge hurdle to overcome… We are still in the thick of it, but also reveling in the new life of spring here. I have a writing project going I hope to return to in the near future after a few family events and distractions of the daily round overtook me the past few weeks. Having that creative outlet provides an extra dimension to life or something, and I’m glad to be in the thread of a new one. Wishing you a beautiful spring day!

        Blessings
        Michael

    1. Thank you, Pam! I didn’t even really have the words at the time to express my gratitude for your comfort and support. Your comment truly helped me. 3x a week spinal decompressions, regular acupuncture, PRP injections, and focused core training with my martial arts friend, all really made the difference for me. Quite an investment, I’d say. What an incredible challenge, and still overcoming! Above all, I had to decide I was worth all that. Your comment helped me to feel supported. Again, thank you. I reached the other side for a good set of 3 or 4 months. Started improving in November 2021 and now I am resting April 2022 almost a year later. Hoping my recent achy ness continues to be mild, and from exercise, and being really busy. All good reasons to take a break, look within, and share my gratitude 🙏🏽

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